Tag Archives: God

Where is God?

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I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy that was particularly moving to me.  People died.  There was a lot of unfairness.  A little boy got shot by police while climbing into a window of his own home.  It looked as though he was going to be ok, but he succumbed to his injuries.  A woman suddenly died after giving birth.  A young man tried to cut off his hand because his literal translation of the Bible compelled him to do so.

April, a deeply religious doctor, witnessed or was involved in these events.  Overwhelmed, she started to mentally relive the tragedies of her own life.  The husband of the woman who died was a man who April left at the altar, running away in her wedding dress with Jackson, another doctor.  Their marriage disintegrated after she had a miscarriage and, thereafter, became severely depressed.

By the end of the episode, April was emotionally drained and asked, “Where is God in all of this?”  She thought of the story of Job and Jesus on the cross saying, “Why has thou forsaken me?”

I started crying because this scene brought back traumatic experiences in my own life.  I used to repeatedly read the Book of Job trying to find some understanding of my perceived suffering.  At this point in my life, however, I realize that God expresses itself through us and that we do not always well express God. This Spirit that is perfect comes through the prism that is us.  We cannot see our perfection because the pain of the flesh overrides our awareness of our true Essence.

God exists in and through us.  Until we can fully express the Reality of God, we continue to manifest God imperfectly, diluted, and distorted by our own perceptions, by our own sickness, and by our own weakness.

We have drifted far away from our authentic selves.  I know what I’m supposed to do; but, somehow, I get caught up in the world, in the material.  The flesh takes over.  I read about the Infinite Way.  I say I understand it.  I know it.  I want it.  Yet, against my will it seems, I continue to express anger, fear, resentment, and judgment.  I repeatedly fail to demonstrate an assurance of abundance, love, and protection. Continue reading →

Recharge

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Last week I spent four days in Sequoia National Park, courtesy of a dear friend.  I woke up every morning, ate breakfast, and spent the entirety of each day walking on different trails.  Much of the time I was by myself, surrounded by nature.  Thinking I would have a lot of quiet time, I brought my laptop and journals, planning to write and get a head start on a few Ancient Seeker posts.  Total waste of energy and space.  Our phones did not work.  There was no wi-fi, no cellular, no internet.

After walking all day, my friend and I talked nonstop until we went to sleep; then, woke up for another day of hiking for me and retreat activities for her.  On our last day, we hiked together.  For both of us, it turned out to be the most beautiful hike of our trip.  I was filled with immeasurable gratitude for being in the midst of a modern day Garden of Eden, complete with black bears with which I learned to share paths.

It took me a week after returning home to turn on my computer and that was only because a friend wanted to Skype.  I didn’t feel like doing anything.  I didn’t post Ancient Seeker.  After a few days, I became depressed.  I didn’t know what was going on, what was wrong with me.  Prior to the trip, I had been eating healthfully and exercising; afterwards, I began to stuff myself with ice cream and buttered popcorn and chips and pasta.  What was going on?

A week after my return, I hit rock bottom – again.  I’ve had many rock bottom episodes throughout the years, where I feel like I cannot take another step.  I cannot continue to live like “this.”  I feel tired and hopeless and cannot see any way out of this mess.  Nevertheless, as I lay down to sleep, I remembered Job and didn’t want to complain as he did and express my frustration with God.  As long as I remained awake, I repeated my mantra: “I praise God.  I thank God.”

When I awoke, I felt like meditating.  I love my meditation room and feel so blessed to have it.  As I sat this morning, I left outside my worries about the mortgage, very much needed repairs, financial concerns, and other life challenges.  Right this very moment, the walls have not fallen.  I can walk, kneel, bow, praise, and be thankful.  I can sit and feel the infinite magnificence of the Eternal.

I had a wonderful meditation.  I was focused.  My mind wandered very little.  I felt that I went deeper than I had in months.  I felt joy.  I felt connection.  I saw the trees of Sequoia again, not visually, not in physical form, but with a seeing that was through some other type of eyes.

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The Infinity of God

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I have visions of a past self.  I call her “the Priestess.”  She is able to directly connect with the Source.  I don’t yet have the name she and her people used.  Once, I sensed that she was reading my written intentions that I periodically state aloud after my meditations.  She expressed irritation at the part where I affirm that all of my bills are paid and my financial obligations are met.  The Priestess abruptly disappeared.

I was confused and, thereafter, asked her to tell me what I should instead be doing.  No answer.

During the next morning’s meditation, I focused my thoughts on God and the infinity of abundance and harmony.  As I continued to meditate on this infinity that is beyond comprehension, I thought of my list of items and suddenly understood.  The Priestess thought that my specific desires were a sign that I still did not comprehend God.  I had not evolved sufficiently to interact with her.

The infinity of God cannot be limited, contained within, or guided and directed by a list.

I began to focus on Infinity and remembered my past lessons when I understood that I became too focused on yoga, swimming, bicycling, etc., as my joy, instead of seeing them as instruments to access JOY or as manifestations of the Creative Energy working in and through me.

When I focus on lack, I focus on obtaining money and jobs instead of focusing on the Infinite Abundance within me and creating from that Assurance.

During my next meditation, I asked for guidance.  I began to silently say: “I see God.  I hear God.  I understand God.  I feel God,” and feel the corresponding eyes, ears, heart, and mind.  I meditated on these self-made mantras whenever I felt my thoughts wander.  I expanded to “I understand God (consciousness).  I receive God (cells).  I give God (exhaling).  This led to visualizing God flowing in and through me, as me.  I am God manifested.

I began to say, “I see God’s abundance.  I feel God’s abundance.  I hear God’s abundance. I understand God’s abundance.  I give and receive God’s abundance.  I thought of the boy in The Alchemist who turned himself into the wind.  Initially, I thought of God as having dominion over the wind.  As I continued to contemplate, I felt God as integrated within and throughout the wind.  God is the wind.  There is no separation.  The boy became aware of himself as God unseparated, God manifested.  He, thus, became aware that he was also the wind and, by this comprehension, was able to transport himself to another location.

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For You I Have Provided

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Last year, on Day 13 of Oprah/Deepak’s meditation series, the following question was asked: “How would you feel if you were at peace with the timing of change, knowing it was unfolding at the pace which best serves your highest needs?”  Day 13 was about knowing that the fulfillment of desires happens at the right place and time.

I felt that my right time needed to be right then; but, I tried to stick with the plan.  During my own silent meditation, I focused on the mantra, “I am at peace with God’s plan for me.”  I tried to clear my mind of desperation and fill it with trust and faith.  The next morning, I awoke thinking of the phrase, “Por tu te puesto.”  I had no idea what this meant.  I spent an hour or so searching for the meaning by inserting the phrase into the Internet.

There is no such phrase.  The Internet produced “por tu te he puesto.”  This worked phonetically.  When spoken, “te he” could sound like “te.”  According to Google, this phrase translates to “for I have made you.”  I didn’t comprehend why I woke up thinking of such a phrase.  I decided to make it a mantra in my morning meditation.

Thoughts came that I am to be happy.  God made me.  I am a manifestation of the most high God.  It is my birthright to have my desires fulfilled.

I gave the phrase to my friend who is a Spanish interpreter and translator.  Without knowing the context (and I surely could not provide one), she suggested: “For you I have provided.”  I almost started crying.  In trying to get through my challenging times, I continuously remind myself not to worry, that God is providing.  I just need to have patience.  I don’t know why this phrase came to me in Spanish, but it was the assurance that I needed to hear.

I have had hopes for so long.  In addition to so-called practical actions, I’ve been believing and feeling and affirming and praying and meditating.  In some ways, it feels as though my situation has worsened.  Every time I feel like giving up, something odd like “por tu te he puesto” happens.  It’s like some little hook appears to keep me going.  I remember years ago, I went through a guided meditation during which we were to receive a gift and the name of the entity giving it.  I received a rose from Ananda.

At the time, I had never heard this name.  I went to a bookstore to buy the music that had been played during the meditation.  While browsing, I picked up and started reading these cute little books.  To my astonishment, I found that Ananda was the second patriarch of the Buddha.  Years later, I learned that Ananda means pure bliss.  I believe these “weird” incidents are ways that the Universe communicates with me.  I just have to develop the capacity to understand.

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Corrective Suffering

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Yesterday, I was thinking about Job, the Biblical character.  It is often stated that Job praised and thanked God throughout his afflictions; but, he didn’t.  He complained extensively.  He was angry.  He wanted God to appear before him and tell him face to face why he was made to suffer when he had been so faithful, good, and righteous.  One of Job’s friends said that his words showed that he had turned his spirit against God.

In the end, however, Job recognized that God’s ways are mysterious and that “when he hath tested me, I shall come forth as gold.”  One commentary to the Book of Job states: “Job’s experiences opened his eyes more fully to the ineffable holiness of God, leading him thereby to self-knowledge and self-judgment.  The sufferings of Job are shown to be corrective rather than penal, being used [by] God to test and refine his character.” Commentary in the New Scofield Reference Edition of the Holy Bible, pp. 587, 600.

Perhaps a lesson of Job is to learn to acknowledge God in all things and to grow in awareness that all is of God, regardless of our perceptions of good and bad.  The enduring nature of God creates and destroys beyond our understanding or control.  The best that we can do is to raise our awareness and consciousness and live the best that we can according to the virtues and principles that we know.  We can strive for correct understanding that leads to correct behavior.

As I walked through a very beautiful park surrounded by nature, I began to feel a oneness with Spirit as It Is, not as my usual desire to know God so that my life will improve.  For that period of time, I simply existed in my beingness with no strivings.  Briefly, I had no doubt or uncertainty.  I felt an inner contentment, fulfillment, and happiness.

However and whenever we are able to align ourselves with Infinite Source, our lives run more smoothly.  The Universe responds to the chaos or harmony of our thoughts and behavior.  We are playing its keys and creating our own music.  Perhaps Job’s prior sustained prosperity caused him to stop growing in consciousness.  Maybe he was merely going through rituals of praise and worship.  When we lose or disregard our awareness, our connection to the Source, we experience corrective adjustments pushing us back to Ourselves.

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Behold! The Thing Greater Than Myself

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I told a friend that I have to testify about all that God has done for me.  He said, correcting me, “You mean all that you have done for yourself,” as if to say, “You don’t believe in yourself.  You believe in an external (e.g., nonexistent) entity.”  I explained my belief in the Indescribable Energy, Force, Spirit, That Which is Unnamable, that I call God.  Even though my view of God is unlimited, I use that term because that is the name given to the Presence by the people who raised me.

I read to my friend the part of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho in which the boy realized that the soul of God was his soul.  Therefore, he was able to perform miracles.  Similarly, I use separation terminology to express my realization that I am part of a greater something.  I am a drop of water in an ocean. I am a particle of sand within an infinite beach.  The drop is still the ocean, as the sand is the beach.  Because I am aware of who and what I am, I can freely use “God” and not diminish myself.

I understand what I mean when I say “what God has done for me.”  It is an easy and simplistic way of saying that, as I grow in awareness and understanding of that which is greater than me, I manifest the harmonious conditions that are Reality.

It is a luxury to believe that success and achievement are solely a result of one’s own actions and abilities, when such things can be gone in an instant.  Throughout the natural world, people have believed that they are self-sufficient and superior when, in fact, their physical ownership and dominion was and is often a result of conquests, colonization, and elimination, or because they accommodated and acquiesced to those who wield power and might.  There can never be enough money and power for those who derive fulfillment from foundations of sand.  Why else do those who have much continue to seek more?  Such desire is neverending.

I will go one step further and state my belief that life is eternal and that human incarnation repeatedly occurs.  We live the effects of causes created in past embodiments and are constantly creating causes that will have future effects.  Unfortunately, with little or no memory of our pre-birth selves, we experience each life anew, believing that our prosperity or indigence is totally the result of our own efforts or lack thereof.  If the former, we are prone to believe in ourselves as stand-alone islands, solely empowered by our personal strengths, capabilities, and external connections.

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Searching For Meaning

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I had a dream that I lost my bicycle.  I was devastated.  When I woke up, I thought, “Am I going to lose my bike in real life?”  One side of my mind responded, “This is attachment.  You still have things to learn.  The dream is making you aware of a weak spot.”  My other side argued, “Why shouldn’t I want things?  That bike enables me to stay healthy, to exercise my body.  I’m so tired of dealing with loss.  It seems as though I’ve been dealing with loss my whole life.  What am I supposed to learn?  I’m tired of painful lessons.  I need clear guidance.  What am I supposed to do?  Why is this happening?  What is the point, the meaning?”

A few days earlier, I had a job interview.  I prepared well, dressed to impress, and left an hour and a half early.  Traffic was decent.  I arrived in the area with time to spare.  For some reason, I kept missing the correct exit and driving around in circles.  I called and asked for directions.  Drove with the receptionist on the phone and STILL could not get on the right road.  Arrived at the interview stressed, late, and had to run to the bathroom before I could speak properly to the HR person who greeted me.  Of course, I made a horrible impression and did not get the job.

After the bike dream, I asked additional questions. “Why didn’t I see the exit sign clearly?  Is something happening to me or do I simply have too much on my mind?  I’m not focused.  I’m thinking too much.  I don’t know.  I feel like a failure.  I’m incompetent.”  I know I’m supposed to wake up with the joyful expectation of a child, but I’m still upset about arriving late to the interview.  I decide to get up and meditate, even though clearly I’m not hearing God or my spirit guides.

After meditation, I played my praise music.  “The Great I Am” by Donnie McClurkin is an old school fast piano playing song.  I started jumping and dancing like one of the happy ladies in church.  I needed someone to come fan me.  Next came a really old before my time song, sung by a group of old men, Lee Williams & The Spiritual QC’s.  “So Good To Me” talked about being thankful for getting through the night ok, being able to stand on two good legs and walk, opening your eyes and being able to see, the little things that we take for granted.

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Honoring God

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Many years ago, I started doing prostrations after reading A Joyful Path by Thich Nhat Hanh.  He described these as a Buddhist practice to help us stay connected to our blood and spiritual roots.  I used to prostrate six times: to my blood ancestors, to my spiritual ancestors, to those I love, to those who have made me suffer, to Mother Earth, and to God.  Over time, I shortened the six to two: to my combined blood and spiritual ancestors and to God.  I changed “bow” to “honor” because I felt this term had more relevance to me, although I understand the great significance bowing has in Asian cultures.

Recently, I’ve begun to ask, “what am I actually doing to demonstrate honor throughout my day?”  Statements are so easy to make.  After awhile, I don’t even hear myself.  Often, I’m thinking of other things as I touch my forehead to the floor and state: “I honor my blood and spiritual ancestors.  I honor God.”

So one morning after I meditated, I wrote down what it means to me to honor God, to honor myself as an expression of God, and to honor my ancestors who have lived through so much and enable me to be here with such fortune in this time and place.  I am so very thankful for their guidance and assistance.  I came up with a long list: respect, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, minimizing complaints, watching what I put into my temple, how I care for my temple, being mindful of what comes out of my mouth (speech), and what goes into my mind.

Am I contributing to or diminishing peace?  In the midst of stress, am I matching it, giving back what is being expressed in my presence?  Am I creating harmony or disharmony?  Can I be at peace in the midst of chaos?  Am I a light in the darkness or am I darkness in someone’s light?

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I Am One With Creation

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Despite my years of study, meditation, affirmations, yoga and workshops, I have not fully internalized the Reality of my being – that I am one with all creation, that I am a powerful co-creator.  There are very subtle differences between understanding and applying that comprehension into behavior.  There are even more subtleties between knowing and knowing without illusion.

I have knowledge on a conscious level.  This intellectual awareness has not yet transformed habits that stem from cultural, societal, familial, and religious influences that are deeply imbedded within my subconscious and still govern my thoughts and behavior.

Experientially, I am unaware of my oneness with God.  I know this because my life does not yet match my beliefs about myself.  You know how you think you look a certain way; then, you pass a mirror and don’t recognize that person?  By seeing my life as the mirror of my consciousness, it is apparent that I continue to experience God as an external source, something outside of me upon which I am dependent.  In this perception, God is an enabler, like Santa Claus, an entity to which I express my needs and desires.  These wishes are granted if I’ve been good, if it’s my time, if God decides to be gracious, or any number of other variables.

None of these scenarios involve the use of the Power within me to fly, to fish, to walk on water; in other words, I am not yet consciously creating from within.  I am not using my own wings to fly.  I don’t learn to fish because I believe that I must be fed.  I must be provided for.  I must be carried, for I cannot walk unaided.

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Bow to the Divine in Everyone

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In June 2012, I wrote a list of intentions.  Two of them are: “I communicate love, reason, and freedom” and “I express myself so that everyone can feel the One Love that exists in each and all of us throughout the Universe.”

I can’t say that I have consistently implemented these intentions.  To be honest, when I wrote them, I expected them to happen to me as a result of my stating them.  At first, I would state them aloud every day, then once a week, now once a month.  Only within the last few months have I thought about really putting them into daily practice.  The realization that I have to do and be something has taken quite a long time to develop.

I have always had an intellectual understanding of right behavior, but implementation has been lacking.  It is much easier to “speak my word,” judge the actions and speech of other people, and bemoan the sorry state of my life and the world than to actually change my conduct.  Nevertheless, I continue to read and listen, meditate and affirm.  Finally – bit by bit – I am beginning to rephrase my negative expressions and reactions that occur so habitually that I have not yet been able to prevent them.  Awareness is a huge first step.

I now acknowledge that I need to breathe, engage right thinking, and express corrected behavior.  Many times, the best that I can do is walk away from the person and situation.  I manage on most occasions to say “ok” and “thank you” with a forced half smile before my departure.  Change is a process.

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