During one very dark point in my life, I spent about six to eight weeks in self-imposed isolation.
My mom had passed the year before. I had no income. Nevertheless, I was making the best of my circumstances. I was exercising, practicing yoga, and eating healthfully. I felt that I was one with God and growing in Spirit every day. Then, my life changed instantly. I lost my work-trade job (working for classes) at a yoga studio, broke my foot, and became immobile. My health as I appreciated it was taken away. I went into a downward tailspin.
Looking back, it seems incredible, but I just lost it. It was too much. I decided to give up. I didn’t want to live anymore. When my half-hearted attempt to end my life was unsuccessful, I began my in-house retreat. It was clear that I had lost my connection – again. Every time I think “I’ve got it!” something happens to show me that my belief is not unshakeable. It’s like geometry. I learn to solve one problem, but don’t understand the principle enough to withstand subsequent challenges. Thus, losing all of my transient rocks (mom, income, yoga, mobility) forced me to reconnect with that which is Unchangeable.
As I fell deeper into an abyss, I became desperate not to plunge further and focused intently on climbing out. I read, meditated, listened to inspirational music and sermons. Many times I simply sat in silence. One of the books I read was Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain, which had been on my bookshelf for years. I tried to read it, but could never get into it. During the exile from myself, I read it repeatedly because it was what I needed to hear at that time.
