Last week I spent four days in Sequoia National Park, courtesy of a dear friend. I woke up every morning, ate breakfast, and spent the entirety of each day walking on different trails. Much of the time I was by myself, surrounded by nature. Thinking I would have a lot of quiet time, I brought my laptop and journals, planning to write and get a head start on a few Ancient Seeker posts. Total waste of energy and space. Our phones did not work. There was no wi-fi, no cellular, no internet.
After walking all day, my friend and I talked nonstop until we went to sleep; then, woke up for another day of hiking for me and retreat activities for her. On our last day, we hiked together. For both of us, it turned out to be the most beautiful hike of our trip. I was filled with immeasurable gratitude for being in the midst of a modern day Garden of Eden, complete with black bears with which I learned to share paths.
It took me a week after returning home to turn on my computer and that was only because a friend wanted to Skype. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t post Ancient Seeker. After a few days, I became depressed. I didn’t know what was going on, what was wrong with me. Prior to the trip, I had been eating healthfully and exercising; afterwards, I began to stuff myself with ice cream and buttered popcorn and chips and pasta. What was going on?
A week after my return, I hit rock bottom – again. I’ve had many rock bottom episodes throughout the years, where I feel like I cannot take another step. I cannot continue to live like “this.” I feel tired and hopeless and cannot see any way out of this mess. Nevertheless, as I lay down to sleep, I remembered Job and didn’t want to complain as he did and express my frustration with God. As long as I remained awake, I repeated my mantra: “I praise God. I thank God.”
When I awoke, I felt like meditating. I love my meditation room and feel so blessed to have it. As I sat this morning, I left outside my worries about the mortgage, very much needed repairs, financial concerns, and other life challenges. Right this very moment, the walls have not fallen. I can walk, kneel, bow, praise, and be thankful. I can sit and feel the infinite magnificence of the Eternal.
I had a wonderful meditation. I was focused. My mind wandered very little. I felt that I went deeper than I had in months. I felt joy. I felt connection. I saw the trees of Sequoia again, not visually, not in physical form, but with a seeing that was through some other type of eyes.
