Last week I spent four days in Sequoia National Park, courtesy of a dear friend. I woke up every morning, ate breakfast, and spent the entirety of each day walking on different trails. Much of the time I was by myself, surrounded by nature. Thinking I would have a lot of quiet time, I brought my laptop and journals, planning to write and get a head start on a few Ancient Seeker posts. Total waste of energy and space. Our phones did not work. There was no wi-fi, no cellular, no internet.
After walking all day, my friend and I talked nonstop until we went to sleep; then, woke up for another day of hiking for me and retreat activities for her. On our last day, we hiked together. For both of us, it turned out to be the most beautiful hike of our trip. I was filled with immeasurable gratitude for being in the midst of a modern day Garden of Eden, complete with black bears with which I learned to share paths.
It took me a week after returning home to turn on my computer and that was only because a friend wanted to Skype. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t post Ancient Seeker. After a few days, I became depressed. I didn’t know what was going on, what was wrong with me. Prior to the trip, I had been eating healthfully and exercising; afterwards, I began to stuff myself with ice cream and buttered popcorn and chips and pasta. What was going on?
A week after my return, I hit rock bottom – again. I’ve had many rock bottom episodes throughout the years, where I feel like I cannot take another step. I cannot continue to live like “this.” I feel tired and hopeless and cannot see any way out of this mess. Nevertheless, as I lay down to sleep, I remembered Job and didn’t want to complain as he did and express my frustration with God. As long as I remained awake, I repeated my mantra: “I praise God. I thank God.”
When I awoke, I felt like meditating. I love my meditation room and feel so blessed to have it. As I sat this morning, I left outside my worries about the mortgage, very much needed repairs, financial concerns, and other life challenges. Right this very moment, the walls have not fallen. I can walk, kneel, bow, praise, and be thankful. I can sit and feel the infinite magnificence of the Eternal.
I had a wonderful meditation. I was focused. My mind wandered very little. I felt that I went deeper than I had in months. I felt joy. I felt connection. I saw the trees of Sequoia again, not visually, not in physical form, but with a seeing that was through some other type of eyes.
Many years ago, I had a vision of myself first appearing on this planet. My steps were like flying as I explored the earth in its early stages, before the era of man. I call this part of me First Self. As I walked through Sequoia National Park, I called upon First Self and my blood and spiritual ancestors to enter and feel the park through me, my human body and eyes and senses. Through them, I could sense what was and how things had changed. But it was all still good. It is here.
It was that seeing that I sensed during my meditation. I felt that I had undergone another shift. Sometimes my body goes through an adjustment after an influx of Spirit. I am ready to receive, but my physical self fears lightness of being and wants to stay grounded. So it eats and evokes resistance in the form of depression, anxiety, and amplified fears.
Even though I don’t want to, I make myself exercise and meditate and pray. Oftentimes, even though I feel guilty and unproductive, I allow myself to be still. Getting away from my routine and being in the midst of nature without the consistent beeping of civilization allows my being to open, to be receptive, and to allow access to Spirit. Being away – touching, smelling, walking, thinking in the midst of nature – allowed me to flow, to be in the midst of All That Is without the hum of electronics, automobiles, airplanes, phones, and other noise that we don’t even hear because we are so used to it.
These constant sounds are stressful distractions to which we are largely unaware; but, they can impede the flow of the Universe like a dam to a river. Periodically, we have to remove ourselves and go to where there is natural peace, natural rhythm, natural life. We have to re-charge ourselves and regain what we are losing to artificial stimuli.
Regardless of my external circumstances, feeling depressed and hopeless is a sign that my spiritual energy needs replenishing. I am so very thankful that I have been exposed to meditation, the teachings of wisdom traditions, the guidance of spiritual entities, the love and support of friends and family, and that I have been given the strength and perseverance to make it through my rock bottom times that are, in truth, opportunities to break through the dams of life in order to flow in the rivers of my unlimited potential.