Category Archives: The Shedding

Goodbye and Hello

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On New Year’s Eve 2016, I decided that, in 2017, I would choose me.  I would choose what I want in my life and what I want to do – as opposed to doing what is expected of me.  On New Year’s Day 2017, with purposeful intention, I opened my mind, my heart, and my soul to Flow.  I resolved to get along with people, to not react and respond to what I perceive as negativity, and to learn to see the light in myself and everyone else.

On the last day of 2016, I outlined life changes that I would work on in 2017.  I would strive to be positive and cooperative.  I would let go of how others treated me, what they didn’t give me, or what they could have or should have done.  I accepted that I have the power to change my life and that there is no power that has yet been born that can take away my joy.

More importantly, I saw myself moving forward by any positive and productive means necessary.  Sometimes, we won’t leave our neighborhoods, cities, loved ones, jobs or other comfort zones – no matter how draining or miserable – because of cultural norms, family ties, love, financial dependence, fear of being alone, obligation, and any number of reasons.

I am around many people who live health-based lives.  I am also close to those who chose to live in unhealthy ways and are in denial of the realities and consequences of their actions and ways of thinking and being.  I completely understand the latter because it has been extremely hard to look in my mirror and face the ways in which I have contributed to all aspects of my existence.  Regardless of how I believe that I have been treated and how unfair and wrong the externals in my life have been, I could have reacted differently, knowing that I am complete and whole, and that nothing can stop me from receiving what is for me.

Sometimes, being understanding, supportive, and committed can keep you from your destiny.  When your fullest potential is unrealized, maybe it’s time to step back and away from where you’re placing your primary efforts.  As for me, I got tired of living on the side of a cliff and decided to get off.  Whatever it takes, whoever and whatever I have to leave, I am moving forward, onward and upward.

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Through the Fire

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Sometimes in order for a life to be rebuilt it has to be torn down and torn apart.

Within a two year period, I lost my mom and my source of income.  I stopped seeing my therapist because I could no longer afford to pay him.  Nevertheless, within six months, I completed and self-published a book that I had been trying to write since 1994.  I resumed my exercise and lost 30 pounds.

Then I broke my foot and was in a boot for seven months, which was an incredibly difficult adjustment.  Yet, my immobility caused me to stop and think.  I could do little else but reflect, meditate, and question what was going on with my life, what I was doing, and what I was going to do.  How many people get the opportunity to do nothing?  This is very critical.  As I wrote in my book, we’re on this treadmill and we don’t want to get off.  We think we can’t get off.  That’s what I thought.  What will happen if I get off of this treadmill?  I was very unhappy.  Yet, I kept going.  I kept doing the same things over and over.

After my mom died, my life seemed to fall apart and I couldn’t figure out how to put it together again.  It was a very intense time.  Even today, I become emotional remembering that period.  But I can look back and I see that what I went through was analogous to a building being demolished.  Anything that I no longer needed in my life disappeared.  Some forms of existence cannot remain if change is going to come.

Therapy began a process of critical and immense change.  That process included many births and deaths, beginnings and endings.  I regained my health.  People and institutions left my life.  I started Ancient Seeker.  I didn’t appreciate much of my journey as I traveled along my tumultuous roads.  Change is not always enjoyable.  It can be very traumatic.  Some people don’t endure great changes.  Their lives go along at the same speed.  I experienced substantial changes that were painful and traumatic.  But I got through them and became aware of the benefits.

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Deep Cleaning

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Deep cleaning my house has been very slow.  It’s taken months.  I’m finally getting to the point where I’m vacuuming my very filthy carpet.  As I vacuum, I think about things.  It’s been a trying time.  There are so many things that I need to do that I can’t do: maintenance my car.  I have deep cracks in my ceilings.  In my bedroom, the ceiling is bowed.  According to the Internet, this signifies that I immediately need to call a structural engineer.  But I can’t afford it.  I’m hoping that the issue is not the foundation.  I’m thankful to get through each day without my ceilings falling in.

I think, “why why why is my life like this?”

The thought came to me that I was the one who wanted to change my life, to turn my life around.  If you want to learn a sport, to become healthier, or to become proficient in anything, there are certain things that you have to give up.  You have to give up refined sugar, sitting in front of the television all day, drinking and hanging out every night, especially when you’re “of a certain age.”  Even though, to me, giving up income is not the same as giving up ice cream or cookies or TV, it still is, in a sense, a giving up of something.

The intent that I expressed to change my life has somehow overridden my desire to have instant money.  Left to my own devices, I would continue to do the things that have caused me to gain weight, to sit all of the time, to be unhealthy, to be unhappy and stressed out of my mind.  The Universe, responding to my intent, stopped and blocked me and said “no no.  You’re not going to do this.  You’re going to do THIS.”

My solution would be to win a million dollars.  This would solve all of my problems.  I don’t know why I can’t win the lottery when others have.  Apparently, that’s not in line with my intent.  Perhaps that outcome would change my life, but would not change me, which is my ultimate intent.

The path that I used to take seems to be closed to me right now.  Perhaps in the long run, looking back, I will see that it was a good thing that it was closed because otherwise I would continue to do the same thing.  It was easier to get and go to a miserable job every day to obtain money.  That’s what I’ve done for the last 25 years.  It’s been a good way to pay my bills.  If I could do the same thing that I had been doing, which is to be able to get a job quickly, then I would be working right now.

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For You I Have Provided

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Last year, on Day 13 of Oprah/Deepak’s meditation series, the following question was asked: “How would you feel if you were at peace with the timing of change, knowing it was unfolding at the pace which best serves your highest needs?”  Day 13 was about knowing that the fulfillment of desires happens at the right place and time.

I felt that my right time needed to be right then; but, I tried to stick with the plan.  During my own silent meditation, I focused on the mantra, “I am at peace with God’s plan for me.”  I tried to clear my mind of desperation and fill it with trust and faith.  The next morning, I awoke thinking of the phrase, “Por tu te puesto.”  I had no idea what this meant.  I spent an hour or so searching for the meaning by inserting the phrase into the Internet.

There is no such phrase.  The Internet produced “por tu te he puesto.”  This worked phonetically.  When spoken, “te he” could sound like “te.”  According to Google, this phrase translates to “for I have made you.”  I didn’t comprehend why I woke up thinking of such a phrase.  I decided to make it a mantra in my morning meditation.

Thoughts came that I am to be happy.  God made me.  I am a manifestation of the most high God.  It is my birthright to have my desires fulfilled.

I gave the phrase to my friend who is a Spanish interpreter and translator.  Without knowing the context (and I surely could not provide one), she suggested: “For you I have provided.”  I almost started crying.  In trying to get through my challenging times, I continuously remind myself not to worry, that God is providing.  I just need to have patience.  I don’t know why this phrase came to me in Spanish, but it was the assurance that I needed to hear.

I have had hopes for so long.  In addition to so-called practical actions, I’ve been believing and feeling and affirming and praying and meditating.  In some ways, it feels as though my situation has worsened.  Every time I feel like giving up, something odd like “por tu te he puesto” happens.  It’s like some little hook appears to keep me going.  I remember years ago, I went through a guided meditation during which we were to receive a gift and the name of the entity giving it.  I received a rose from Ananda.

At the time, I had never heard this name.  I went to a bookstore to buy the music that had been played during the meditation.  While browsing, I picked up and started reading these cute little books.  To my astonishment, I found that Ananda was the second patriarch of the Buddha.  Years later, I learned that Ananda means pure bliss.  I believe these “weird” incidents are ways that the Universe communicates with me.  I just have to develop the capacity to understand.

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Expanded Consciousness

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I started reading Joel Goldsmith again and seem to be getting more from his teachings.  I am more clearly understanding that the external manifests to the degree that my consciousness expands.

“We will achieve [tangible expression of our inner consciousness] in proportion to our ability to relax mentally, to gain an inner calm and peace, and therein quietly contemplate the revelations which come to us from within.” The Infinite Way, Joel Goldsmith, p. 126

I have intellectually known this since I had a visualization of being counseled to stay inside my circle – counsel that I disregarded for many years, choosing instead to challenge, fight, and run away from adverse circumstances.  Now that I am more frequently living my life from within my circle, I practice calm, peace, trust, and even joy in the midst of turmoil. Because I am now aware that my “circle” is the part of me that is undisturbable, I am taking my growth to the next level.

This way of living is a discipline that requires practice.  It’s learning to live from a foundation of trust, not control.  When I roller skated, I was the tail, not the lead skater of a group linked together for better or worse.  The only control I had was to physically let go of the hand I held, which wasn’t always the safest option.  I realize now that, without effort or thought, my mind at that time was free.

In those days, I didn’t even think about getting hurt.  I thought about how uncool it was to wear knee and elbow pads.  I never did learn how to jump over people in case of a crash; but, that was my focus, not an injury.  I so admired the guys who had that degree of agility and skill.  The point is – I didn’t think about the bad things that could happen.  I only thought about fun and how to have more.

When the circumstances of my life changed and I had little time for fun, I became concerned about security.  Thoughts of lack and limitation followed.  I began to grasp onto what I thought I might lose and want more of what I had.  It took many years, but sooner or later, my life began to reflect my thoughts.  Not realizing my contribution in this regard, I blamed the external, which resulted in feelings of bitterness, resentment, and condemnation that, unfortunately, produced conditions that caused more of the same.

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Life’s Passion

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As I was cooking, which is very enjoyable and relaxing to me, I remembered a story about a man who came out of a successful surgery, but didn’t want to take painkillers.  He said that he wanted to be able to feel.  Feeling the pain reminded him that he was alive.  This is what passion does.  It reminds us that we are alive.

So many adults don’t feel the passion of youth.  There have been too many hurts, too much loss, too many deaths.  Intense and repeated trauma can negatively affect daily life.  I chose to shut down that intense part of myself, believing that the pain matching the joy was just too much.  I would rather not have that much joy.

But I miss my passion and excitement.  I miss the feeling of totally letting myself go without fear, worry, or inhibition.  Not caring what people think.  I miss the joy of being free!  To me, that is the epitome of being alive.  Perhaps that’s why I became a human being – to feel.

When I was young, I became passionate about external things: jogging, skating, being in love, my job, civil and human rights, traveling.  Perhaps because of the drama and trauma that I have been through, I now want to be passionately in love with me, with the Magnificence that is me.  I want to be in love with Love itself, with being loving.

Looking back, I see how I have grown as a result of the pain in my life.  I now view my current situation as a mechanism for developing awareness.  While I most certainly desire more financial stability, I am so very blessed to have time to sit in silence and to engage in joyful activities that allow me to reflect, read, and write.  If my circumstances were different, I would not have time to be still, to seek knowledge, and to grow.  If I was working a traditional 9 to 6 with the additional commute, I would be running around on weekends doing what I couldn’t do during the week.  If I had roommates, I would be interacting with them and the consequences of their lives.

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Planting Seeds of Joy

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During my meditation, I realized that I had been creating from desperation.  Once I lost my job, I developed an intense focus on regaining and, then, maintaining employment.  There was no thought as to what I wanted to do or what would be compatible with my intentions or desires for my life.  I concentrated only on bringing in money by any means necessary.

The jobs that I created and kept out of desperation were never good for me.  I worked in stress-filled environments from which I created more stress.  I didn’t realize that I was creating the seeds of my future.  Sickness blooms from a deficient seed.  Trying to fix leaves and blossoms without addressing the roots of the tree is unproductive.

From what other negativity have I been creating?  Pessimism?  Lack of passion?  Belief in lack and limitation?  Hopelessness?  After meditation, I decided to tend to my core of joy and contentment that is eternally in the moment. Thinking about future negative possibilities causes me to live in fear and anxiety.  Thoughts held in mind produce in kind.

I look back on my life and all that I had and it was never enough.  When stressful situations occurred, I let my happy get away.  Today I acknowledge that others did not and do not take away my joy.  I have a choice.  I have the power.  I don’t know what is going to happen in the future.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through my challenges.  But, if I can’t be joyful at all times, at least I can work on being appreciative, grateful, kind, and positive.

Knowing me is key.  When I know myself, I can better perceive the actions of others and respond instead of react.  I believe that people give, receive, and exchange energy, often in negative ways.  We may subconsciously draw anger upon ourselves to reflect feelings of inadequacy.  Our lives are mirrors.  We exchange energy based upon our levels of consciousness.   If I am aware of the love within me, I can interact with the love in another.  However, if my consciousness is at a level of pain, I will give and draw energy to me from this base.

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Corrective Suffering

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Yesterday, I was thinking about Job, the Biblical character.  It is often stated that Job praised and thanked God throughout his afflictions; but, he didn’t.  He complained extensively.  He was angry.  He wanted God to appear before him and tell him face to face why he was made to suffer when he had been so faithful, good, and righteous.  One of Job’s friends said that his words showed that he had turned his spirit against God.

In the end, however, Job recognized that God’s ways are mysterious and that “when he hath tested me, I shall come forth as gold.”  One commentary to the Book of Job states: “Job’s experiences opened his eyes more fully to the ineffable holiness of God, leading him thereby to self-knowledge and self-judgment.  The sufferings of Job are shown to be corrective rather than penal, being used [by] God to test and refine his character.” Commentary in the New Scofield Reference Edition of the Holy Bible, pp. 587, 600.

Perhaps a lesson of Job is to learn to acknowledge God in all things and to grow in awareness that all is of God, regardless of our perceptions of good and bad.  The enduring nature of God creates and destroys beyond our understanding or control.  The best that we can do is to raise our awareness and consciousness and live the best that we can according to the virtues and principles that we know.  We can strive for correct understanding that leads to correct behavior.

As I walked through a very beautiful park surrounded by nature, I began to feel a oneness with Spirit as It Is, not as my usual desire to know God so that my life will improve.  For that period of time, I simply existed in my beingness with no strivings.  Briefly, I had no doubt or uncertainty.  I felt an inner contentment, fulfillment, and happiness.

However and whenever we are able to align ourselves with Infinite Source, our lives run more smoothly.  The Universe responds to the chaos or harmony of our thoughts and behavior.  We are playing its keys and creating our own music.  Perhaps Job’s prior sustained prosperity caused him to stop growing in consciousness.  Maybe he was merely going through rituals of praise and worship.  When we lose or disregard our awareness, our connection to the Source, we experience corrective adjustments pushing us back to Ourselves.

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Life – Infinitely Creating and Destroying

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I read excerpts from the 1492 journals of Christopher Columbus. It is amazing that the Spaniards could land on a clearly inhabited island, state a few declarations and, thereby, claim that place and its people as possessions of the King and Queen of Spain.  Columbus noted that the people were very friendly, were unfamiliar with weapons such as swords, and would make good servants.  There was never a thought that this was a sovereign land with people of equal worth, free will, and determination.

This is the way that the world was and is conquered.  The violent intruders succeed, prevail, and prosper.  The indigenous people are killed, enslaved, and assimilated by blood and culture.  Where is Spirit in all of this, I frequently ask?

During my meditation, an answer came that Spirit endures.  It continues as men and regimes come and go.  Destruction and creation occur, even without mortal intervention, in the forms of fires, earthquakes, floods, asteroids falling from space and other disasters.  Life ends, begins, and constantly regenerates itself after every trauma.

What then should our response be in the face of threat?  There is no one right or wrong because everyone believes in their right and the other’s wrong.  There is only action and the consequences of that action.  Because Spirit endures, there is no eternal loss or death.  Each generation, each re-emerged life, repeats the struggle of trying to birth what is deemed good and fair and productive and creative.  At some point and somewhere, an evolved species emerges, but the cycle repeats itself again and again – creation and destruction indefinitely.  Because that is Life.

So how should we behave? What is the point of trying to live with virtue and integrity?  I want to behave as I am able, with the knowledge that I have at the time, and not judge myself or others.  I want to always seek to evolve into more awareness and more enlightenment so that what I destroy is not more than I create.  I want what I create to not overwhelm what exists and cause the extinction of seeds that will ensure the survival of what will be.

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Behold! The Thing Greater Than Myself

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I told a friend that I have to testify about all that God has done for me.  He said, correcting me, “You mean all that you have done for yourself,” as if to say, “You don’t believe in yourself.  You believe in an external (e.g., nonexistent) entity.”  I explained my belief in the Indescribable Energy, Force, Spirit, That Which is Unnamable, that I call God.  Even though my view of God is unlimited, I use that term because that is the name given to the Presence by the people who raised me.

I read to my friend the part of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho in which the boy realized that the soul of God was his soul.  Therefore, he was able to perform miracles.  Similarly, I use separation terminology to express my realization that I am part of a greater something.  I am a drop of water in an ocean. I am a particle of sand within an infinite beach.  The drop is still the ocean, as the sand is the beach.  Because I am aware of who and what I am, I can freely use “God” and not diminish myself.

I understand what I mean when I say “what God has done for me.”  It is an easy and simplistic way of saying that, as I grow in awareness and understanding of that which is greater than me, I manifest the harmonious conditions that are Reality.

It is a luxury to believe that success and achievement are solely a result of one’s own actions and abilities, when such things can be gone in an instant.  Throughout the natural world, people have believed that they are self-sufficient and superior when, in fact, their physical ownership and dominion was and is often a result of conquests, colonization, and elimination, or because they accommodated and acquiesced to those who wield power and might.  There can never be enough money and power for those who derive fulfillment from foundations of sand.  Why else do those who have much continue to seek more?  Such desire is neverending.

I will go one step further and state my belief that life is eternal and that human incarnation repeatedly occurs.  We live the effects of causes created in past embodiments and are constantly creating causes that will have future effects.  Unfortunately, with little or no memory of our pre-birth selves, we experience each life anew, believing that our prosperity or indigence is totally the result of our own efforts or lack thereof.  If the former, we are prone to believe in ourselves as stand-alone islands, solely empowered by our personal strengths, capabilities, and external connections.

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