Category Archives: PathPosts

Take My Life, Transform It

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Take my heart and mold it
Take my will, conform it
Take my mind, transform it
Holiness is what I long for
Righteousness is what I long for
Brokenness is what I long for
                 Take My Life by Bishop T.D. Jakes

 

For many years, I sang this song, but was silent on the “brokenness” part.  I didn’t relate to this phrase. Who in their right mind would want to be broken?  I surely wasn’t going to speak that into my life.  Yet, now I see how critical being “broken” has been to my transformation.  As long as everything stays the same, there can be no growth.  There can be no remodel or renovation.  Some of us need to be broken down before we can introduce change into our lives.

Sometimes everything has to be torn down and torn apart in order to rebuild to new specifications.  If your life is not changing, that means that you are not changing.

Faced with people and circumstances that cause tension, turmoil, pain, and suffering, I am forced to practice the principles that I assert.  Situations, family, friends, environments, and communities are all classrooms in which I have been placed in order to grow. These comprise my education in life and of human nature.

There is a bigger picture, a broader context of life that cannot be seen by a limited perspective.  Some things can only be seen by looking in the past: but for this, that would not have happened.  At times, solace or explanation cannot be found by looking in the past, present, or future.  We simply must trust the process, the journey, the Master Plan, the Way of the Universe – whatever we choose to call the constant progression of life.

In all of its manifestations, life begins, is, and ends. Physical life has birth, youth, adolescence, adulthood, old age and death.  Embryo to ashes.  Non-physical life undergoes a similar process, but cannot be as easily documented.  A steadfast and persevering tree bends, but remains standing in the midst of blowing winds.  It discards leaves in the fall and winter, and gives birth to new blossoms in the spring.  Yet, the strongest tree can be felled by disease, fire, flood, or other external conditions.

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Intentions vs. State of Being

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In 2004, I wrote a very specific and long list of things that I wanted.  Examples included: learning different languages; living in other countries; earning millions of dollars from my writing; being debt-free; working because I want to, not because I have to; practicing and, eventually, teaching yoga; and so on.  Years passed.  One day, I found that list in a forgotten folder.  The only thing that I had fully accomplished was insuring that my mom was well cared for.

In 2012, I participated in a ritual involving angels who would grant three wishes.  I don’t know whether they came or not.  I didn’t feel anything.  Ultimately, I turned those three wishes into three intentions that I read aloud every day, then once per month, then every now and then, and finally not at all.

By the end of 2016, I had obtained a new job.  All other doors were closed and I chose to walk through the one that was open.  Every week, I am provided with many opportunities to grow and to modify my prior ways of reacting and responding.  I’m constantly changing, trying to figure out how to navigate and be a positive, instead of negative, force in a chaotic situation.  I consider this position a bridge to that which I have not yet clarified.

I again wrote down what I want.  This time I felt that I expressed what my spirit, my true self, the real me truly wants.  As I grow and as I’m able to shed layers of distraction, layers of the external me, layers of whatever, I’m reaching my core.  I’m revealing what is.

Intentions point me back to myself.  They are revelations; guideposts enabling me to get close enough to hear the core me crying out, expressing my reality: “This is who I AM.  This IS me.”

My first job had its positive and negatives.  Ultimately, I left because it disappointed me in terms of my consciousness and awareness at the time.  Looking back on all that I’ve been through, I compare it to leaving my parents’ home.  I couldn’t wait until my 18th birthday.  I left days afterward to get away from burdensome rules and limitations.  Much later, I realized how good I had it.

So it was with my first job.  The way that I saw the world at that time was very rigid, very black and white.  Now, the way that I see the world is very fluid, with various shades of all different kinds of colors, not one way or the other.  I realize that there are many different ways of being.

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Commitment Continuity Practice

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Because of our capacity to expand in many different ways, being static may not always be the most positive state of being.  Yes, we need to rest, reflect, and be thankful for where we are.  Nonetheless, it is good to be aware of our evolutionary nature.  We have innate urges to move, to be fluid, and to flow.  Flowing is not being static.  As we constantly seek ways to evolve, it can be unproductive to become disappointed or upset when we don’t progress at a pace that puts us where we think we ought to be within a certain time period.

We have infinity to get to wherever “there” is.  We mustn’t compare ourselves to others, believing that they’ve got it all together, or that they have accomplished more than we ever will.  We don’t know where they started.  Life is infinite.  S/he could have started in a different lifetime, in another dimension.  Now s/he is at this level, in this body, and is starting from where s/he left off in another time and space.  We cannot judge ourselves based upon our limited perceptions of the external aspects of others’ lives.  People have different goals, intentions, lessons, challenges, and resources that are particular to their personal evolutionary path in this place and in this era.

I sometimes berate myself for having made certain choices in life.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I could have or shouldn’t have done this or that.  Ultimately, I realize that the choices that I made, for better or for worse, made me who, what and where I am today.  But for my experiences, I wouldn’t have developed into my current consciousness and awareness.  Who knows how the dark and light aspects of my past and present have prepared and are setting me up for the next phase of my life?

We’ll get to where we’re going with diligence, commitment, focus, and practice. Continuity is key: continuing to strive and continuing to commit to doing “it” over and over and over again, if necessary, until one day we kind of get “it” and then move on to the next lesson, the next class, the next level, situation, circumstance, and person.

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Perseverance

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I often analogize my life to swimming because I perceive many similarities between the two. For example, during my continued attempts to improve my stroke, I keep hearing the same things over and over from my coaches.  I try to do what I understand them to be saying.  I think I’m actually implementing their guidance.  Yet, I keep hearing “catch-up drill,” which is a signal that I am windmilling, e.g., flailing my arms, or “your hand is still dragging in the water” or “you’re still arching your back.”

I become frustrated because I’m trying my best and I don’t know how I can better perform what they’re telling me to do.  I recognize that my mind knows what to do, but the body is just used to doing things a certain way.  I have to continuously tell my body, “no, do it this way.”  In the beginning, my efforts require much concentration and focus because my body does not want to change.  It wants to continue doing what it has always done.  That’s the easy way.

I particularly forget my technique when I’m in a lane with faster swimmers.  I do whatever it takes to keep up, even if my form is incorrect.  Many nonprofessional swimmers swim faster by sheer strength and effort.  Unfortunately, as we age, we tire more quickly when our body position and strokes are inefficient.

It’s easier to concentrate on my technique when I’m alone and not in a lane where people are pushing me to go faster because they’re behind me or I’m pushing myself to go faster because I want to keep up with those in front of me.  When I’m in a lane by myself, I can focus on my technique.  I can see myself begin to flow.

Life is similar.  When I meditate, participate in a workshop, or have a good yoga session, I can see everything that I’m supposed to do correctly.  I’m at peace.  I determine to keep this feeling, this frame of mind; yet, before lunch, my mind becomes irritated at the things that people do and say.  I know what my proper response should be, but I fall back into my comfortable ways of thinking and reacting.  Try as I might, it often seems as though I’m just not getting it.

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Awaken to Your Transcendency

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During meditation, I thought about the eternal conflict between human beings.  When and how did this begin?  A response came that we were created as equals and lived in harmony for some time.  Our connection with the Eternal was natural; however, the longer we existed in the material body, the more we began to believe in our individual independence, our individual abilities, and our individual power.

The more we affirmed the belief in separateness from Spirit, the further we drifted away from our knowledge of Oneness.  We began to see ourselves and others as different (analogized in the Adam and Eve story where they became aware of and ashamed of their nakedness and left the harmony of the Garden of Eden).

When we lose our connection to that which is Eternal, we cannot see the Eternal in another and, then, cannot see our connection to each other in any respect.  This divide gets deeper and deeper over time.  We separate from God.  We separate from the God in each other.  We separate from the other because of appearance, then village, then tribe, region, religion, country and so on until we become so isolated in our minds that we want to separate from ourselves.

Humans have devolved from being wards of land belonging to all to perpetuators of war and death in order to claim and cling to land. What has been gained by polarization?  How have we benefited by beliefs that we are different from the other and that we are not interrelated and interconnected?

We are organic beings.  We have an innate ability to exist and flourish unimpeded like a plant or mighty tree, fully nourished by the soil, the sun, water, and wind.  This organic part of us knows how to survive, what to eat, when and how to move, and when to sleep.  When we do not listen to our innate selves, when we push through instead of intuitively listen, we create an imbalance within that proliferates like polluted air.

I learned through yoga that when weak muscles stop functioning, other muscles take over.  These eventually become exhausted because they are doing their jobs and that of the weak muscles.  Eventually, a particular body part breaks down.  When a cell becomes diseased, other healthy cells may be able to neutralize it; but, as with the weak/strong muscles, if the disease persists, the strong cells become weakened.

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We Are All Deserving

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A woman expressed her anger at people who voted for Trump.  I responded, “People are struggling and they want someone to get them out of their struggles.” She very angrily said, “well, they should work hard.  You can’t just want something.  You have to go to school and do well in school.  You have to do what you’re supposed to do.  We have all worked very hard and that’s how we got to where we are.”

This woman has a well-off father who provided her with a head start in life.  She’s married to a professional who earns an upper middle-class income.  She comes from a background and a family of means.  Everyone thinks they’re working hard wherever they are and that they deserve whatever they have.  If other people would work just as hard, they would be successful like them; but, those others simply like to complain.

My simplistic viewpoint is as follows: Some people are born at the top of the mountain and yes, maybe they are working hard to stay there.  Other people are born in the middle of the mountain. They are trying to get to the top and yes, that is hard work.  Some people are at the bottom of the mountain, but at least they can see the mountain and see others trekking up and down the mountain.  Maybe they share tips and suggestions with others who are climbing or who have come down and are going back up.  They all know the mountain; therefore, everyone shares tidbits, suggestions, networks, referrals, and so on.  Who you know counts for a lot.

Then there are people who are born in a pit with very steep sides.  They exist at the bottom of the pit, or halfway up the pit.  Maybe they got to the top of the pit, but they’re exhausted and are just trying to stay at the top and not slip back down.  People in the pit are probably working much harder than the people at the bottom of the mountain because at the bottom of the mountain they’re not slipping back.  They’re on flat land.  People in the pit go up a little, but the sides are steep.  If they lose their grip, or they get tired, injured, or somehow lose their resources, they slide back down.  It becomes a cycle.  They slide down, then struggle to get back up.

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Neighbors and Trash

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Knowing what to do and putting it into practice are two very distinct concepts.  For me, implementation remains a continuous and, sometimes, frustrating process.

Case in point:  I continue to grow through my neighbors.  In this post, we won’t even get into the loud music, the roaring cars making screeching circles (“donuts”) in the street, the drugs, abandoned and stripped cars, etc.  Today we will deal with trash only.  I have tried to speak to my neighbors and their guests nicely and explain why I don’t like them to throw trash in front of my house.

I’ve told them: “You’re not doing this only to me.  You’re not respecting yourselves.  This is your neighborhood, your community.  Is this how you want to live?”  It’s like my outer calm infuriates them.  They curse and discard more trash, most likely mirroring my inner turmoil.

I started sweeping the trash in my yard out into the street because I’m so tired of daily picking up other people’s liquor bottles, condoms, cigarette butts, fast food boxes, and other rubbish.  It would take me less than 5 minutes to pick up the trash and then it would be gone.  But the way I do it, it lasts infinitely.  Because I sweep it out into the street, I still see it every day in front of my house.  When it rains, it becomes soggy and glued to the asphalt.  Other people see the trash.  I guess they feel that it’s a dump, so they also throw their debris there.  I then have more trash.  Wet gooey trash.  The situation worsens.

So I started thinking: “what is going on? Why must I live like this?”

My first mind, the part that gets irritated, says: “These people are wrong!  I have a right to be angry and respond accordingly!  Why can’t I have decent and considerate neighbors?  Why do I have to live in a crappy neighborhood?”

The observing and objective part of my mind says: “And??  Pick up the trash and move on instead of letting it linger.  Every time you see the trash you get angrier and angrier.  There are other things to get angry about.  This is not one of them.  Stop thinking about what bothers you.  Think about what you want and how you would like things to be.”

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Meditation Works For Me

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When I was 19 years old, I read a book called “The Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment” by Thaddeus Golas.  Since then, I’ve read it again at various times in my life.  This book motivated me to change my vibration level by meditating.  Over time and changing circumstances, and most likely because of my Christian background, I began to use meditation as a means to secure necessities and desires.  Coming full circle, I have returned to my original intent to change my vibration and energy, to increase my awareness, and to go deeper into understanding.

Many years ago, I received an awareness that, no matter what happened, I was to remain seated within a circle.  I didn’t fully comprehend this at the time.  Looking back years later, I saw that I ran away from intense challenges or ran aggressively forward in confrontation.  Never did I sit quietly in contemplation or acceptance.  Over time, I grew tired of banging my head against the wall.  I grew weary of and exhausted from conflict, resentment, and pain resulting from judgment and condemnation – whether mine or that of others.

Now, I primarily meditate to center myself, to connect to that which is Eternal and Infinite, and to access within myself joy, peace, harmony, and understanding.  I now fully understand what it means to stay seated within my circle.  Not only do I meditate, I find time to be still, to read, to listen and reflect.

I practice various forms of meditation.  I prefer to sit in silence.  Sometimes, however, I cannot stop my thoughts and my mind races with worry, fear, and anxiety.  In these situations, I use guided meditations.  On occasion, I fall sleep with selected meditations playing in my ear.  I believe in the adage, “Thoughts held in mind produce in kind.”  From personal experience, I know that – regardless of the reason, rationale, or justification – unproductive energy will materialize in my life when negativity of any kind emanates from my thoughts, speech, and behavior.  So I’ve got to keep my mind focused on the positive by any means necessary.

Meditation, whether silent or guided, helps to calm me.  It helps me to hold onto my faith while I’m going through the fire.  One morning, I awoke agitated, upset, and overwhelmed with panic and dread.  I had no desire to do anything but lie in bed with the covers pulled over my head.  I decided to mediate.  An hour later, I experienced a peace that I carried throughout the day.

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Transformation is a Process

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During this time of transition (which has been ongoing for six years), I have received numerous comments from friends and family about what I could and should be doing to secure income.  The general theme is “you’re not doing all that you could.  You could be doing more.”

Consistent suggestions include: becoming an Uber/Lyft driver, renting out parts of my home, and accepting low-paid clerical positions.  Always, there is an implied criticism that I’m not willing to take positions that I feel are less than my capabilities, qualifications, and potential.  I express what I feel are valid defenses to the well-intended offerings; however, after these conversations, I often feel drained, deficient, guilty, and self-condemning.

To rebalance, I take the time to be still, to meditate, to read and listen to guidance that reflects what I believe and know to be true.  As Joel Goldsmith advised, “unless we are careful to retire often into the sanctuary of our inner being, the stress of daily living will deprive us of the power of the spiritual sense that possesses us.”

I actually like my life.  I don’t relish existing in financial instability.  My truth is that I am in the process of changing.  Thirty years ago, I made a critical decision not to follow my heart’s desire, but to do what seemed more practical at the time.  This led into years of choosing money first and foremost over what would grow me into the person that, at the time, I wanted to be.

I stopped being authentic.  Because I placed myself in environments that were diametrically opposed to my intrinsic nature, I was often surrounded by people with whom I was incompatible.  Tension, conflict, and neverending stress became the norm.

Most people who tell me what I could and should be doing are not themselves leading lives of joy, contentment, and fulfillment.  They are like I used to be: working in conditions that cause them to be mentally and physically unhealthy.  Their jobs allow them to survive, but not thrive.  The acceptable standard is doing whatever is believed to be needed to make it through.

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We All Are Going Through Something

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I’ve been coming across stories about people who have overcome very intense life challenges.  I don’t know if I’m more disposed to notice because of my particular situation or if the Universe is trying to let me know that, as difficult as I think my life is, there are many people who are going through much worse than I am.  Obviously, I know about the refugees and people in the Middle East who used to be middle class and are now in constant war.  Their whole lives have been devastated.  I know all about that.  I know about other people who are suffering.

But, sometimes I think of those people in an abstract way.  For any number of reasons, I move on to the next news item.  However, when I hear about someone’s personal story, it more deeply affects me.

In the October 2016 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about a man who got hit by a bus and lost part of his leg.  He didn’t let that stop him; he got a prosthesis and went on to be a successful triathlete.  During a competition, a van that wasn’t even supposed to be on the road ran into him while he was leading a pack of able-bodied bicyclists.  The accident left him paralyzed from the neck down.  This seemed totally unfair.

In the beginning, he became depressed, lost his way, and abused drugs.  By the time Gilbert met him, he had found an inner peace and joy that went beyond his physicality.  He told her, “Don’t waste your pain.”  That really struck me.  Whatever you’re going through, don’t waste this experience.  Use it as an opportunity to grow, learn, and develop your connection with that which is beyond your circumstance.

There is a comic book series about women who have been victims of acid attacks.  I Googled a real woman, not a comic book character, who had commented on the books. Her particular story involved her rejection of a marriage proposal.  The suitor got together a group of his friends and they poured a bucket of acid on her while she was sitting in her car.  65% of her body was instantly burned.  She’s been through 40 surgeries.  She talked about how hard it is for victims to take that first look in the mirror.  Usually, these women were very attractive before the attacks.

This was 10 years ago.  She’s now 28, still a young lady.  She talked about how the support of her family enabled her to make it through.  Each day, she struggles to pursue her dreams.  She’s now studying to become a fashion designer.

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