Take my heart and mold it

Take my will, conform it

Take my mind, transform it

Holiness is what I long for

Righteousness is what I long for

Brokenness is what I long for

                 Take My Life by Bishop T.D. Jakes

For many years, I sang this song, but was silent on the “brokenness” part.  I didn’t relate to this phrase. Who in their right mind would want to be broken?  I surely wasn’t going to speak that into my life.  Yet, now I see how critical being “broken” has been to my transformation.  As long as everything stays the same, there can be no growth.  There can be no remodel or renovation.  Some of us need to be broken down before we can introduce change into our lives.

Sometimes everything has to be torn down and torn apart in order to rebuild to new specifications.  If your life is not changing, that means that you are not changing.

Faced with people and circumstances that cause tension, turmoil, pain, and suffering, I am forced to practice the principles that I assert.  Situations, family, friends, environments, and communities are all classrooms in which I have been placed in order to grow. These comprise my education in life and of human nature.

There is a bigger picture, a broader context of life that cannot be seen by a limited perspective.  Some things can only be seen by looking in the past: but for this, that would not have happened.  At times, solace or explanation cannot be found by looking in the past, present, or future.  We simply must trust the process, the journey, the Master Plan, the Way of the Universe – whatever we choose to call the constant progression of life.

In all of its manifestations, life begins, is, and ends. Physical life has birth, youth, adolescence, adulthood, old age and death.  Embryo to ashes.  Non-physical life undergoes a similar process, but cannot be as easily documented.  A steadfast and persevering tree bends, but remains standing in the midst of blowing winds.  It discards leaves in the fall and winter, and gives birth to new blossoms in the spring.  Yet, the strongest tree can be felled by disease, fire, flood, or other external conditions.

We are no different, except in our resistance to what is natural.  We want to control and assert our will over every aspect of life, even when our input is inconsequential or clearly unproductive and destructive.  We refuse to see what is before us and rationalize and justify our actions. We think this makes our lives easier.  In fact, we paint over crumbling walls and neglect necessary repairs and maintenance until, one day, we fall down like Humpty Dumpty.

If we knew all that there is to know, we might view our joys and pains in entirely different ways.  Looking at the entirety of my life, I wouldn’t be where I am today but for the brokenness in my life: my losses, disappointments, failures, and mistakes.  These challenges caused major shifts at various points in my life – shifts that propelled me forward even in the midst of what appeared to be chaos and turmoil.

Things happened to grow me.  The details of my life aren’t my reality.  They are fabric, tapestry, a covering of the essence of me.  Once that shell is broken, my true yolk emerges.  The authentic me is revealed.  It is significant that I haven’t simply endured circumstances.  At each stage, at each moment when things seemed to fall apart or didn’t turn out as planned, I worked on myself.

Yes, I sat on my pity pot for some time.  But I didn’t stay there.  I used my time wisely.  I planted seeds.  I dug deeply.  I pulled weeds.  I trimmed bushes and shrubs.  I let go.  I made myself become more open and receptive.  I tried something new.  I picked up some pieces and discarded others.  I listened.  I learned.  I asked for and accepted help.  I changed.

Now, I’m trying to want from my deepest self.  To me, that means not being too specific in stating intentions or desires.  I know from experience that much of what I asked for on a surface level was not lasting or sustainable, given life’s unpredictability.  I don’t want to encompass myself in another shell.  I want to be flexible and capable of interacting with all that is without being judgmental, rigid, and otherwise limited.

I no longer want to define or be defined.  Having been broken, I am evolving into a more fluid and flowing being.