Category Archives: PathPosts

Get Rid of Your Training Wheels

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Bicycle flickr

I often analogize my spiritual and personal development to swimming, an activity in which the improvement of technique is a life-long endeavor.  During the process of changing habitually incorrect strokes, my speed slows.  My body won’t follow my directives.  It continues to do what it has always done.  The coach will say, “you’re still windmilling” when I think I am gliding as instructed.

When I first begin to modify my way of swimming, it feels as though I am pulling through mud.  I quickly tire.  Unused muscles begin to hurt.  It’s not fun.  But I persist.  Consistency is key.  When I miss days of swimming, I don’t resume right where I left off.  I fall back to my previous set point.  The same thing that it takes to get to a goal is what you have to continue to maintain it.

I accept this fact with most endeavors.  I know that I must eat less and exercise more to lose weight and to maintain that loss.  To learn new skills, I have to study and repeatedly perform necessary functions and procedures until they become natural to me.  Yet, with life, I want change tomorrow.  I want perfection without practice.  I don’t want aches, pains, or setbacks.  I want spiritual muscles without having to do any strengthening exercises.

Many times I want someone to make things better, to make it all go away, and to tell me what to do and when to do it.  I want things to be ok right now without my having to do anything.  Where is my fairy godmother, my genie in the bottle?  Where is God?

The other day, I saw this boy on a little bicycle with training wheels.  His legs were long enough to keep him from falling.  He didn’t even need brakes.  All he had to do was put his feet down and he could stand.  Yet, he rode with assistance.  His helicopter mom closely followed him.

As I walked and watched the boy and his mom, the song “I’m Coming Out of My Comfort Zone” played on my iPod.  I thought, “This is where I am right now.  My life experiences are causing me to figure out how to remove my own clouds and my own negativity.  Giving that power to someone else is like having a helicopter mom.  It’s like using training wheels long past the time that they are necessary.

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Expanded Consciousness

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Keep Going freewallsource

I started reading Joel Goldsmith again and seem to be getting more from his teachings.  I am more clearly understanding that the external manifests to the degree that my consciousness expands.

“We will achieve [tangible expression of our inner consciousness] in proportion to our ability to relax mentally, to gain an inner calm and peace, and therein quietly contemplate the revelations which come to us from within.” The Infinite Way, Joel Goldsmith, p. 126

I have intellectually known this since I had a visualization of being counseled to stay inside my circle – counsel that I disregarded for many years, choosing instead to challenge, fight, and run away from adverse circumstances.  Now that I am more frequently living my life from within my circle, I practice calm, peace, trust, and even joy in the midst of turmoil. Because I am now aware that my “circle” is the part of me that is undisturbable, I am taking my growth to the next level.

This way of living is a discipline that requires practice.  It’s learning to live from a foundation of trust, not control.  When I roller skated, I was the tail, not the lead skater of a group linked together for better or worse.  The only control I had was to physically let go of the hand I held, which wasn’t always the safest option.  I realize now that, without effort or thought, my mind at that time was free.

In those days, I didn’t even think about getting hurt.  I thought about how uncool it was to wear knee and elbow pads.  I never did learn how to jump over people in case of a crash; but, that was my focus, not an injury.  I so admired the guys who had that degree of agility and skill.  The point is – I didn’t think about the bad things that could happen.  I only thought about fun and how to have more.

When the circumstances of my life changed and I had little time for fun, I became concerned about security.  Thoughts of lack and limitation followed.  I began to grasp onto what I thought I might lose and want more of what I had.  It took many years, but sooner or later, my life began to reflect my thoughts.  Not realizing my contribution in this regard, I blamed the external, which resulted in feelings of bitterness, resentment, and condemnation that, unfortunately, produced conditions that caused more of the same.

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Life’s Passion

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dancing at the crossroads drawneartogod

As I was cooking, which is very enjoyable and relaxing to me, I remembered a story about a man who came out of a successful surgery, but didn’t want to take painkillers.  He said that he wanted to be able to feel.  Feeling the pain reminded him that he was alive.  This is what passion does.  It reminds us that we are alive.

So many adults don’t feel the passion of youth.  There have been too many hurts, too much loss, too many deaths.  Intense and repeated trauma can negatively affect daily life.  I chose to shut down that intense part of myself, believing that the pain matching the joy was just too much.  I would rather not have that much joy.

But I miss my passion and excitement.  I miss the feeling of totally letting myself go without fear, worry, or inhibition.  Not caring what people think.  I miss the joy of being free!  To me, that is the epitome of being alive.  Perhaps that’s why I became a human being – to feel.

When I was young, I became passionate about external things: jogging, skating, being in love, my job, civil and human rights, traveling.  Perhaps because of the drama and trauma that I have been through, I now want to be passionately in love with me, with the Magnificence that is me.  I want to be in love with Love itself, with being loving.

Looking back, I see how I have grown as a result of the pain in my life.  I now view my current situation as a mechanism for developing awareness.  While I most certainly desire more financial stability, I am so very blessed to have time to sit in silence and to engage in joyful activities that allow me to reflect, read, and write.  If my circumstances were different, I would not have time to be still, to seek knowledge, and to grow.  If I was working a traditional 9 to 6 with the additional commute, I would be running around on weekends doing what I couldn’t do during the week.  If I had roommates, I would be interacting with them and the consequences of their lives.

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Planting Seeds of Joy

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flowing2 drawneartogod

During my meditation, I realized that I had been creating from desperation.  Once I lost my job, I developed an intense focus on regaining and, then, maintaining employment.  There was no thought as to what I wanted to do or what would be compatible with my intentions or desires for my life.  I concentrated only on bringing in money by any means necessary.

The jobs that I created and kept out of desperation were never good for me.  I worked in stress-filled environments from which I created more stress.  I didn’t realize that I was creating the seeds of my future.  Sickness blooms from a deficient seed.  Trying to fix leaves and blossoms without addressing the roots of the tree is unproductive.

From what other negativity have I been creating?  Pessimism?  Lack of passion?  Belief in lack and limitation?  Hopelessness?  After meditation, I decided to tend to my core of joy and contentment that is eternally in the moment. Thinking about future negative possibilities causes me to live in fear and anxiety.  Thoughts held in mind produce in kind.

I look back on my life and all that I had and it was never enough.  When stressful situations occurred, I let my happy get away.  Today I acknowledge that others did not and do not take away my joy.  I have a choice.  I have the power.  I don’t know what is going to happen in the future.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through my challenges.  But, if I can’t be joyful at all times, at least I can work on being appreciative, grateful, kind, and positive.

Knowing me is key.  When I know myself, I can better perceive the actions of others and respond instead of react.  I believe that people give, receive, and exchange energy, often in negative ways.  We may subconsciously draw anger upon ourselves to reflect feelings of inadequacy.  Our lives are mirrors.  We exchange energy based upon our levels of consciousness.   If I am aware of the love within me, I can interact with the love in another.  However, if my consciousness is at a level of pain, I will give and draw energy to me from this base.

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Corrective Suffering

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beauty from ashes deviantart

Yesterday, I was thinking about Job, the Biblical character.  It is often stated that Job praised and thanked God throughout his afflictions; but, he didn’t.  He complained extensively.  He was angry.  He wanted God to appear before him and tell him face to face why he was made to suffer when he had been so faithful, good, and righteous.  One of Job’s friends said that his words showed that he had turned his spirit against God.

In the end, however, Job recognized that God’s ways are mysterious and that “when he hath tested me, I shall come forth as gold.”  One commentary to the Book of Job states: “Job’s experiences opened his eyes more fully to the ineffable holiness of God, leading him thereby to self-knowledge and self-judgment.  The sufferings of Job are shown to be corrective rather than penal, being used [by] God to test and refine his character.” Commentary in the New Scofield Reference Edition of the Holy Bible, pp. 587, 600.

Perhaps a lesson of Job is to learn to acknowledge God in all things and to grow in awareness that all is of God, regardless of our perceptions of good and bad.  The enduring nature of God creates and destroys beyond our understanding or control.  The best that we can do is to raise our awareness and consciousness and live the best that we can according to the virtues and principles that we know.  We can strive for correct understanding that leads to correct behavior.

As I walked through a very beautiful park surrounded by nature, I began to feel a oneness with Spirit as It Is, not as my usual desire to know God so that my life will improve.  For that period of time, I simply existed in my beingness with no strivings.  Briefly, I had no doubt or uncertainty.  I felt an inner contentment, fulfillment, and happiness.

However and whenever we are able to align ourselves with Infinite Source, our lives run more smoothly.  The Universe responds to the chaos or harmony of our thoughts and behavior.  We are playing its keys and creating our own music.  Perhaps Job’s prior sustained prosperity caused him to stop growing in consciousness.  Maybe he was merely going through rituals of praise and worship.  When we lose or disregard our awareness, our connection to the Source, we experience corrective adjustments pushing us back to Ourselves.

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Life – Infinitely Creating and Destroying

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Light flickr

I read excerpts from the 1492 journals of Christopher Columbus. It is amazing that the Spaniards could land on a clearly inhabited island, state a few declarations and, thereby, claim that place and its people as possessions of the King and Queen of Spain.  Columbus noted that the people were very friendly, were unfamiliar with weapons such as swords, and would make good servants.  There was never a thought that this was a sovereign land with people of equal worth, free will, and determination.

This is the way that the world was and is conquered.  The violent intruders succeed, prevail, and prosper.  The indigenous people are killed, enslaved, and assimilated by blood and culture.  Where is Spirit in all of this, I frequently ask?

During my meditation, an answer came that Spirit endures.  It continues as men and regimes come and go.  Destruction and creation occur, even without mortal intervention, in the forms of fires, earthquakes, floods, asteroids falling from space and other disasters.  Life ends, begins, and constantly regenerates itself after every trauma.

What then should our response be in the face of threat?  There is no one right or wrong because everyone believes in their right and the other’s wrong.  There is only action and the consequences of that action.  Because Spirit endures, there is no eternal loss or death.  Each generation, each re-emerged life, repeats the struggle of trying to birth what is deemed good and fair and productive and creative.  At some point and somewhere, an evolved species emerges, but the cycle repeats itself again and again – creation and destruction indefinitely.  Because that is Life.

So how should we behave? What is the point of trying to live with virtue and integrity?  I want to behave as I am able, with the knowledge that I have at the time, and not judge myself or others.  I want to always seek to evolve into more awareness and more enlightenment so that what I destroy is not more than I create.  I want what I create to not overwhelm what exists and cause the extinction of seeds that will ensure the survival of what will be.

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Behold! The Thing Greater Than Myself

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sea of clouds wikimedia

I told a friend that I have to testify about all that God has done for me.  He said, correcting me, “You mean all that you have done for yourself,” as if to say, “You don’t believe in yourself.  You believe in an external (e.g., nonexistent) entity.”  I explained my belief in the Indescribable Energy, Force, Spirit, That Which is Unnamable, that I call God.  Even though my view of God is unlimited, I use that term because that is the name given to the Presence by the people who raised me.

I read to my friend the part of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho in which the boy realized that the soul of God was his soul.  Therefore, he was able to perform miracles.  Similarly, I use separation terminology to express my realization that I am part of a greater something.  I am a drop of water in an ocean. I am a particle of sand within an infinite beach.  The drop is still the ocean, as the sand is the beach.  Because I am aware of who and what I am, I can freely use “God” and not diminish myself.

I understand what I mean when I say “what God has done for me.”  It is an easy and simplistic way of saying that, as I grow in awareness and understanding of that which is greater than me, I manifest the harmonious conditions that are Reality.

It is a luxury to believe that success and achievement are solely a result of one’s own actions and abilities, when such things can be gone in an instant.  Throughout the natural world, people have believed that they are self-sufficient and superior when, in fact, their physical ownership and dominion was and is often a result of conquests, colonization, and elimination, or because they accommodated and acquiesced to those who wield power and might.  There can never be enough money and power for those who derive fulfillment from foundations of sand.  Why else do those who have much continue to seek more?  Such desire is neverending.

I will go one step further and state my belief that life is eternal and that human incarnation repeatedly occurs.  We live the effects of causes created in past embodiments and are constantly creating causes that will have future effects.  Unfortunately, with little or no memory of our pre-birth selves, we experience each life anew, believing that our prosperity or indigence is totally the result of our own efforts or lack thereof.  If the former, we are prone to believe in ourselves as stand-alone islands, solely empowered by our personal strengths, capabilities, and external connections.

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A Shift in Consciousness

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consciousness flickr

Last night I woke up at 2:30am, worried about how I will pay my various bills.  Almost instantly, feelings of peace and happiness overrode and surrounded that anxiety.  I feel that I am going to create something and that I’m going to be ok.  This time, my creation will come from the peace and joy within me instead of the usual fear and desperation.  Therefore, it will be just right for me.  It will further my goals and be compatible with the ways in which I want to live and express myself.

I feel a shift.  Yesterday, I explained to a friend that we work for years on our swim stroke techniques or on developing a skill or craft.  We must have that same intent and perseverance in developing our consciousness.  Because we are infinite, there is no end to our evolution.  There’s always more to learn and further to expand in every way – energetically, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

When I returned to swimming and bicycling after seven months in recovery from a broken foot, it was like starting over.  My ankles and muscles hurt.  I was exhausted.  I felt as though I was swimming through mud.  My coach would say, “Stop focusing on speed.  Focus on your technique.”  I remembered swimming with another coach who focused mostly on drills instead of straight lap swimming.  Her swimmers swam less mileage during workouts, but performed better in competition.  Boring and tiresome drills build muscle.  They strengthen your arms and legs, which build the ability to utilize correct form.  Proper stroke and body position propel you more swiftly with less effort.

Nine months later, “suddenly” I became faster.  That’s how I felt last night.  “Suddenly” I felt a shift in consciousness, like I know that things will work out.  I’m going to be able to keep my house, to pay my bills, and to move more concretely towards my goals.

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Searching For Meaning

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Meaning of Life2 deviantart

I had a dream that I lost my bicycle.  I was devastated.  When I woke up, I thought, “Am I going to lose my bike in real life?”  One side of my mind responded, “This is attachment.  You still have things to learn.  The dream is making you aware of a weak spot.”  My other side argued, “Why shouldn’t I want things?  That bike enables me to stay healthy, to exercise my body.  I’m so tired of dealing with loss.  It seems as though I’ve been dealing with loss my whole life.  What am I supposed to learn?  I’m tired of painful lessons.  I need clear guidance.  What am I supposed to do?  Why is this happening?  What is the point, the meaning?”

A few days earlier, I had a job interview.  I prepared well, dressed to impress, and left an hour and a half early.  Traffic was decent.  I arrived in the area with time to spare.  For some reason, I kept missing the correct exit and driving around in circles.  I called and asked for directions.  Drove with the receptionist on the phone and STILL could not get on the right road.  Arrived at the interview stressed, late, and had to run to the bathroom before I could speak properly to the HR person who greeted me.  Of course, I made a horrible impression and did not get the job.

After the bike dream, I asked additional questions. “Why didn’t I see the exit sign clearly?  Is something happening to me or do I simply have too much on my mind?  I’m not focused.  I’m thinking too much.  I don’t know.  I feel like a failure.  I’m incompetent.”  I know I’m supposed to wake up with the joyful expectation of a child, but I’m still upset about arriving late to the interview.  I decide to get up and meditate, even though clearly I’m not hearing God or my spirit guides.

After meditation, I played my praise music.  “The Great I Am” by Donnie McClurkin is an old school fast piano playing song.  I started jumping and dancing like one of the happy ladies in church.  I needed someone to come fan me.  Next came a really old before my time song, sung by a group of old men, Lee Williams & The Spiritual QC’s.  “So Good To Me” talked about being thankful for getting through the night ok, being able to stand on two good legs and walk, opening your eyes and being able to see, the little things that we take for granted.

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Here I Stand – My Testimony

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“Here I Am” by Marvin Sapp

The above link is to the song “Here I Am” by Marvin Sapp.  It is on my GospelLinks page. However, I have placed it within this PathPost because I feel so strongly that it applies to me right now. The potent lyrics are:

Here I am.  I’m still standing.

Here I am, after all I’ve been through.

I’ve survived every toil and every snare. I’m alive.

There were times when I almost gave up and I’ve cried and said, “God, it’s too much.”

Yet, I’m standing here today with one thing to say, “God, I thank you. I thank you!”

All of the pain that I had to go through, it gave power and a testimony.

Now, I’m standing here today with one thing to say, “God, I THANK YOU. I THANK YOU!”

 

In February 2014, my consultant contract did not get renewed.  My unemployment benefits ran out in October 2014.  Except for a two week project that ended this past Friday, I have had no income. Zero! Nada! Yet, today, I stand – still very much overfed; in my own house for which I have made no mortgage payments in over a year; still driving a car that continues to get me to and from wherever I want and need to go, although it needs major maintenance and I pray for safe passage each day.  My computer works and I have phone and Internet access. I may have let it go for five or six months, but I found a way to get my hair braided (and to buy hair!☺).  After recovering from health issues, I have resumed bicycling, swimming, and yoga, which require expenditures.  On and on.  I have more than survived and I am SO VERY THANKFUL!

Yes, my worst fears came to pass: I couldn’t pay my bills.  My credit is shot.  My phone and Internet services were discontinued.  My family stepped in before my utilities were shut off.  I have submitted at least five loan assumption and modification packets to at least four entities because I KNOW AND DECLARE that I am not losing my home to foreclosure. I couldn’t afford gas; therefore, I walked wherever I needed to go or stayed home.  There were so many things that I couldn’t do or buy because I had no money, things that I used to take for granted.

How did I make it through a year with no income?  Friends, family, associates and acquaintances, people I hadn’t heard from in years gave me expected and unexpected financial support: direct cash, online deposits into my checking account, groceries, a credit card to buy toiletries, household supplies, and printer cartridges.  People took me out to eat, after which I brought home leftovers.  I am regularly treated to movies and other social activities.

Typing this, I become emotional.  Listening to Marvin Sapp’s “Here I Am” makes me cry with amazement and gratitude.  Here I am.  I am standing after all I’ve been through.

But there’s more to this story.

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