Category Archives: External Focus Series

Is the Core of Your Being Strong?

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Is THIS – whatever you are doing, whoever and whatever you are around – is THIS taking you in the direction that you want to go?  Is THIS moving you towards who and what you want to be and do?

My swim coach pointed out a curve in my back in both my backstroke and freestyle.  In order to move more fluidly, more efficiently through the water, my back needs to be flat like a table.  She suggested that one way to achieve a level back is to hold in my stomach.  It is very challenging to hold in my stomach while I’m swimming.  Another coach suggested that I lie on the floor, notice what muscles are utilized to flatten my back, and transfer that knowledge and feeling to my body position while swimming.  Both coaches advise pelvic tilts, sucking in the gut, and squeezing the glutes.

The purpose of these techniques is to develop a strong core.  If I strengthen my core, it will take less effort to make my back level and my body straight.  If I have correct body position, I move more efficiently through the water.

This is also true in life.  What is your core?  Is your core strong?  Do you value yourself?  Do you think you are worthy?  If you don’t think that you are worthy, then you attract others who think accordingly.  If you don’t respect yourself, you draw into your life disrespect.  If you don’t have a strong core, life is choppy and hard to get through.  It takes much effort to get through each day.

Your unworthiness is reflected in others who also see themselves in you.  You are mirrors for each other.  Some express their reflections by trying to exercise control in order to elevate themselves.   A battle then ensues.  Each combats the self-image they see in the other.  Each attempts to fight or fend off the other when the true “enemy” is the self.  The core needs strengthening.

If you think you are worthy, then you attract people and circumstances that reflect that worthiness, that strength in you.  A person who thinks they are unworthy has to defend, justify, and explain themselves.  Shondra Rhimes said that she used to make excuses for saying no.  “No I can’t because . . .”  Now, she says, “No, I can’t do that right now” and lets that statement stand by itself.  And she keeps repeating it for those who don’t get it.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t do that right now.”  And that’s all that she has to say because she knows that she doesn’t have to justify her decision.  It always comes back to self.  Your self-worth.  What is your value, your strength?

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No More Drama (or How Bad Do You Want Change?)

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In 2002, I saw Mary J. Blige perform on the Grammys.  She sang her song No More Drama.   She sang it with such emotion and passion that I became emotional, stood up in my living room and, crying, sang with her: “No more drama!”

I decided that I did not want any more drama in my life.  I was surrounded by drama on my job and within my family.  Even though I wanted drama to end, I didn’t want to leave my job because I didn’t want to be without income.  I didn’t want to leave my family because I love my family.  But, sometimes, there are ways of being and patterns of existence that become incompatible with where you want to go and what you want to be.

There are always reasons to stay in the midst of drama.  As I’ve been working on myself all of these years, I finally realized, and this is something that Mary J says in her song, that “Maybe I liked the stress, because I was young and restless.”

Finally, when I ran out of oxygen, I saw very clearly that I don’t have any more energy to give to this.  I don’t want to take this anymore.  Because I let – yes, I let – drama into my life, chaos permeated my life such that, even though I could say that I wasn’t the cause of that drama, it still was so much a part of me that it affected my relationships.  I have said ok to things that I knew I didn’t want and knew that they weren’t going to work out; but, I thought I didn’t have any options.  I talked the talk, but I didn’t walk in faith without fear.

Though I walk through the valley of darkness, I fear no evil for you are with me.  Your rod and your staff – they comfort me.  What does it mean to live that, not just to state it?

Breaking away from the familiar is tremendously hard, even if it is restrictive.  It sometimes seems that when you try to break away, negative forces become more intense.

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Growing Through Loss

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Loss deviantart

Three years ago, I lost my mom.  She lived a long life, but I didn’t have all of her for fourteen years prior to her passing because of Alzheimer’s Disease.  Before that, I lost my sister, my dog, and my dad.  I actually lost my sister many years before she died because she was on drugs and was administered shock treatments in the state mental hospital, which was where they put and how they treated drug users back in the day.  Afterwards, she lost her mind and my sister, the first person that I knew really, truly loved me, became and died as one of the crazy-looking people on the street you try to avoid.  Before that, I lost my aunt and uncle who were like my grandparents.  My real grandfathers died before I was born and my grandmothers passed before I was 12.

When I was in high school, a friend was shot and killed.  Throughout the years, I’ve been through many funerals of neighbors, relatives, associates, and siblings and parents of friends.  My elementary school music teacher passed two weeks ago.  Beyond death and tragedy, people who I thought would always be in my life chose to end our relationship.  I’ve lost jobs, a car, homes that I loved, income, status, my youthful idealism.  At times, I’ve lost myself.

One of my closest friends has had life-threatening health issues for some time.  We have been through so much together, some really crazy, fun times and the painful growth periods that most people go through.  She knows the inside of me, how and why I think.  She’s my sister from another mother.  It’s been very challenging trying to deal with what’s going on with her, especially since we live in different states.  The very selfish thought of potential loss to me is unbearable.  If I allow myself to think of it, I lose my ability to breathe and have to immediately distract myself.

If she is no longer physically in my life, what will I have?  Who will know me like she knows me?  We are supposed to sit on a balcony in our old age, overlooking an ocean, talking about all the stuff we did in our lives, all of the dramas we got through.  With whom will I share the stories that only we know?

But why even think this way? God only knows when her or my time will come.

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Diamonds and Stones

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Diamonds and Pearls flickr

If offered diamonds, who would take a stone instead?  Yet, that is the choice we make daily.  We see diamonds (a better life, nature’s beauty, love, abundance, friends, loved ones, health).  Yet we consistently select life’s stones, albeit subconsciously.

I asked a woman what she was reading.  She answered that it was a trashy novel that she didn’t like, but her choice of books had been criticized by friends and family as being too bourgeoisie (i.e., she thought she was “better than”).  She chose to fit in, to go along, even if it meant going against her personal preferences.

When I become upset because of others’ opinions of me, I must on some level accept those evaluations.

How many times do we choose to be around people who don’t support and affirm us, who devalue themselves, and accept less than their worth?  Are we often on call for handling OPB (Other People’s Business) while our own houses are crumbling?  Do we say yes when we should be saying no?

Do we choose not to grow into awareness of ourselves and, thus, impede the development of our greatest potential?  Do we believe that we are not worth the often arduous journey of becoming more than we see ourselves?

Many times we accommodate others when convinced that our standards are too high.  We would rather be a sheep than a shepherd.  We settle for less.  We don’t truly believe that we are worthy.  We tell ourselves, “This is the best that I can do, so I’d better hold on tight to my current situation,” instead of taking a risk to try something new.  This mentality metaphorically chooses a stone because it affirms that you can’t possibly deserve a diamond, even if it is possible to attain.

Truly, many are literally oppressed, abused, held back, denied educational and employment opportunities, sick, and disabled.  In many countries, people cannot speak and act freely.  Women don’t have control over their own bodies. Children are forced to participate in wars that they cannot comprehend.  The challenge is to see beyond the cage of our perception of limitation such that we can create a new existence.

The ultimate diamond is to believe that you are free when all sensory signals indicate that you are not.  On every level of known perception and feeling, you experience lack and limitation.  Nevertheless, you somehow believe in an unknown that, once accessed, will free you from all aspects of the prison in which you find yourself.

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Get Rid of Your Training Wheels

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I often analogize my spiritual and personal development to swimming, an activity in which the improvement of technique is a life-long endeavor.  During the process of changing habitually incorrect strokes, my speed slows.  My body won’t follow my directives.  It continues to do what it has always done.  The coach will say, “you’re still windmilling” when I think I am gliding as instructed.

When I first begin to modify my way of swimming, it feels as though I am pulling through mud.  I quickly tire.  Unused muscles begin to hurt.  It’s not fun.  But I persist.  Consistency is key.  When I miss days of swimming, I don’t resume right where I left off.  I fall back to my previous set point.  The same thing that it takes to get to a goal is what you have to continue to maintain it.

I accept this fact with most endeavors.  I know that I must eat less and exercise more to lose weight and to maintain that loss.  To learn new skills, I have to study and repeatedly perform necessary functions and procedures until they become natural to me.  Yet, with life, I want change tomorrow.  I want perfection without practice.  I don’t want aches, pains, or setbacks.  I want spiritual muscles without having to do any strengthening exercises.

Many times I want someone to make things better, to make it all go away, and to tell me what to do and when to do it.  I want things to be ok right now without my having to do anything.  Where is my fairy godmother, my genie in the bottle?  Where is God?

The other day, I saw this boy on a little bicycle with training wheels.  His legs were long enough to keep him from falling.  He didn’t even need brakes.  All he had to do was put his feet down and he could stand.  Yet, he rode with assistance.  His helicopter mom closely followed him.

As I walked and watched the boy and his mom, the song “I’m Coming Out of My Comfort Zone” played on my iPod.  I thought, “This is where I am right now.  My life experiences are causing me to figure out how to remove my own clouds and my own negativity.  Giving that power to someone else is like having a helicopter mom.  It’s like using training wheels long past the time that they are necessary.

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Turning Arrows Into Flowers

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I was thinking about the past – unpleasant situations, ways in which I could have done this or that differently, people who treated me unfairly.  I caught myself and decided to let those pictures go.  That was then and this is now. I am conditioning myself to reclassify those past events as “strengthening exercises.”

I can be and do anything.  When people are cruel to me, I can use that as a training tool to teach myself not to react with equal malice.  This has been reiterated to me in various formats for years.  Finally, it seems to be seeping into my behavior.  Chapter six of the book “Becoming a Child of the Buddhas” by Gomo Tulku has eighteen very insightful commitments to mind training.  Number eleven states: “Even though others may say negative words that seem to almost split your heart, strive to not say a single word of harm in response.”

There is an essay by Sister Jina in A Joyful Path: Community Transformation and Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh in which she tells the story of the Buddha being shot with poisonous arrows.  Because he had an insight body, he was able to turn those arrows into flowers.  This has been such an incredible visualization for me.  How is that possible?  Sister Jina sat in meditation and tried to imagine having such consciousness.  She saw that the arrows did not enter her body, but they fell bent and misshapen around her.

With deeper thought, Sister Jina saw that the Buddha’s insight body recognized the true nature of the arrows.  Because he immediately transformed them into their Reality, the arrows did not exist.  Only flowers surrounded him.  Can you imagine if each of us was able to transform our environment in this way?  Sometimes I get emotional thinking about the power of this practice.

Arrows still enter my body and I’m quite sure I’m directing arrows at people and situations.  But, at least I am aware of my thoughts.  I’m honest about where I am in this moment and changes that are needed, desired, and possible.  I believe that I am less reactive, more positive, more friendly.  I’m learning to be at peace, happy, and grateful for whatever the day brings.

I do still have pity pot days and times when I’m far from the ideal to which I aspire. Nevertheless, I am beginning to feel the happiness within me that cannot be disturbed by the external. This is translating into a more pleasurable and productive environment.

I am committed to responding to perceived hurt with an awareness of the eternal joy within me, as well as the flowering essence of the person causing the pain.  Perhaps the family dysfunction; historical oppression; violence, stress, and strife in our living environments have caused such deep unhappiness that we cannot see our true selves.  How then can we perceive the Truth of others?

I want to be around healthy, productive, loving, and evolving people.  First, I must be that which I seek.  I must transform myself.  I want to turn poisonous arrows into flowers.  To develop this capacity, I must be more open to the mirrors that others present to me.  This helps me to see their true nature because, increasingly, I can see my own.

Self-Cherishing

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One of the lessons in Charles Fillmore’s book “Keep a True Lent” states: “I . . . use a portion of my zeal in establishing God’s kingdom within me.  I do not put all my enthusiasm into helping others; my own unfoldment is of great importance to me.  I love to aid my brother, but I do not allow that idea to rob me of the power to demonstrate Truth for myself.”

According to my 2004 journal, I used to be The Helper.  Even while taking care of my  mother who had Alzheimer’s, I was The Fixer at work, a mentor to young cousins, a mediator for warring couples, the person to whom others brought their vents, dramas, and traumas.  I ran errands for a friend whose husband had a massive heart attack.  My own life was full of stress and unhappiness.

A friend asked, “Why do you get so involved in other people’s lives?”  Especially at work, she thought I consistently tried to solve deficiencies that were not my responsibility.  Why didn’t I put my energies towards resolving my own issues and becoming what I want to be instead of focusing on external conditions?

I began to look at family and societal patterns.  Most of the women I knew growing up were self-sacrificial.  My role models helped others to the point of sacrifice.  It’s what a woman did.  It was the right thing to do.  I didn’t see women treating themselves to personal joys.  The female was expected to care for someone other than herself.  Happiness was dependent upon bringing joy to husbands, children, other family members, and the church. The focus was always on the external.  It was selfish to do for self.  Joy and satisfaction came from doing for others.  This was an obligation.  My childhood prayer was “God loves the cheerful giver.”

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What is Joy Worth?

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I am coming into a fuller understanding of being joy.  It’s like losing weight.  I have to decide that the unhealthy food I want to eat is not worth my health, my appearance, and my self-confidence.  Likewise, I have to decide that external circumstances are not worth the loss of my joy.  I truly enjoy feeling content, happy, and at peace; therefore, I want to get into the habit of choosing joy, happiness, and fulfillment.

I now ask myself about people and circumstances – is this worth my joy?  With regard to food, a friend of mine said she asked herself, “Is this worth gaining weight?” each time she chose not to eat something fattening.  She said that, with time and continuous practice, she didn’t even have to think about choosing.  She just didn’t eat certain items.  That’s where I want to be with my joy.

I think about the effects of oppression and discrimination and other forms of unfair treatment.  As a result of my personal experience, I became suspicious of statements and behavior.  My negative interpretations became protective devices.  Once one has been hurt many times, one tries to anticipate situations of pain based upon past hurtful behavior.  This then becomes cyclical.  If you anticipate pain, you usually incur it, if only because you tense up and don’t speak freely or positively.  Therefore, you potentially invite the hurt that you were trying not to incur.

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Living From Within

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During one very dark point in my life, I spent about six to eight weeks in self-imposed isolation.

My mom had passed the year before.  I had no income.  Nevertheless, I was making the best of my circumstances.  I was exercising, practicing yoga, and eating healthfully.  I felt that I was one with God and growing in Spirit every day.  Then, my life changed instantly.  I lost my work-trade job (working for classes) at a yoga studio, broke my foot, and became immobile.  My health as I appreciated it was taken away.  I went into a downward tailspin.

Looking back, it seems incredible, but I just lost it.  It was too much.  I decided to give up.  I didn’t want to live anymore.  When my half-hearted attempt to end my life was unsuccessful, I began my in-house retreat.  It was clear that I had lost my connection – again.  Every time I think “I’ve got it!” something happens to show me that my belief is not unshakeable.  It’s like geometry.  I learn to solve one problem, but don’t understand the principle enough to withstand subsequent challenges. Thus, losing all of my transient rocks (mom, income, yoga, mobility) forced me to reconnect with that which is Unchangeable.

As I fell deeper into an abyss, I became desperate not to plunge further and focused intently on climbing out.  I read, meditated, listened to inspirational music and sermons.  Many times I simply sat in silence.  One of the books I read was Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain, which had been on my bookshelf for years.  I tried to read it, but could never get into it.  During the exile from myself, I read it repeatedly because it was what I needed to hear at that time.

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Keep Your Mind on Spirit

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Everyone suffers.  It’s easy to think that there are those who don’t.  In Light Upon Light: Inspirations from RUMI, interpreted by Andrew Harvey, a story is told of a king who was granted 400 years of luxury and happiness.  As time passed, the king forgot about and denied his Grantor, and was ultimately cursed.  Rumi considered the painless life a veil between God and human beings.  This glory is in fact a punishment because such abundance causes blindness.  People forget about God until they go bankrupt, lose their health, face the death of war, or their pride causes their downfall.  At this point, one becomes reflective.  Exhausted from efforts to rise above the rubble, one at last turns within.

Similar stories are repeated throughout the Old Testament of the Bible.  God helps the people through a crisis and gives them food, land, and affluence.  Years pass and they grow accustomed to the good life and forget about God.  Each generation grows further and further away from the teachings.  They start worshiping other gods and stop studying the scriptures and honoring their ancestors.  They become self-absorbed.  God becomes angry and takes away His Grace.  The people endure decades of war, famine, subjugation, during which they remember God, cry out, and the cycle starts again.  God has mercy, restores their fortunes, they forget, and hard times return.  I think these stories are descriptions of human life throughout the millennia.  They are meant to guide and teach us.

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