Living From Within

Sacred Lotus padma wikepedia

During one very dark point in my life, I spent about six to eight weeks in self-imposed isolation.

My mom had passed the year before.  I had no income.  Nevertheless, I was making the best of my circumstances.  I was exercising, practicing yoga, and eating healthfully.  I felt that I was one with God and growing in Spirit every day.  Then, my life changed instantly.  I lost my work-trade job (working for classes) at a yoga studio, broke my foot, and became immobile.  My health as I appreciated it was taken away.  I went into a downward tailspin.

Looking back, it seems incredible, but I just lost it.  It was too much.  I decided to give up.  I didn’t want to live anymore.  When my half-hearted attempt to end my life was unsuccessful, I began my in-house retreat.  It was clear that I had lost my connection – again.  Every time I think “I’ve got it!” something happens to show me that my belief is not unshakeable.  It’s like geometry.  I learn to solve one problem, but don’t understand the principle enough to withstand subsequent challenges. Thus, losing all of my transient rocks (mom, income, yoga, mobility) forced me to reconnect with that which is Unchangeable.

As I fell deeper into an abyss, I became desperate not to plunge further and focused intently on climbing out.  I read, meditated, listened to inspirational music and sermons.  Many times I simply sat in silence.  One of the books I read was Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain, which had been on my bookshelf for years.  I tried to read it, but could never get into it.  During the exile from myself, I read it repeatedly because it was what I needed to hear at that time.

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Self-Imposed Blocks to My Good

beauty of nature

My alarm clock woke me to go to my swim team workout.  I am trying to be consistent.  My coach counseled: “Even if you don’t feel like it, come anyway.  That’s how you’ll improve.”   That morning, not only did I not feel like getting out of bed, I felt dizzy.  My stomach hurt.  I felt abnormally tired and achy.  I concluded that I was sick.  I should just get back into bed.

Despite my excuses and my body discomforts, I continued to get dressed and pushed myself out of the door. Surprisingly, I had one of my best swims!  I got into a faster lane and was able to keep up with my lane mates.  I felt so good after the first workout, I stayed for another!

This revealed to me that my mind seems to resist going to a higher level.  It likes routine and doesn’t want to venture into the unknown.  It wants to maintain the present comfort zone and keep things right where they are, even if the conditions are not optimum and going forward would be better.

When I’m about to go to a new level, be involved in something new, or expand my horizons, hardship and obstacles seem to occur to keep me from progressing.  Could I be creating these blocks to my good?  Sometimes, everything seems to be going well, but I become lethargic. I don’t want to do anything but eat and watch TV.  Why?

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Keep Your Mind on Spirit

Colored Water Ripples free stock

Everyone suffers.  It’s easy to think that there are those who don’t.  In Light Upon Light: Inspirations from RUMI, interpreted by Andrew Harvey, a story is told of a king who was granted 400 years of luxury and happiness.  As time passed, the king forgot about and denied his Grantor, and was ultimately cursed.  Rumi considered the painless life a veil between God and human beings.  This glory is in fact a punishment because such abundance causes blindness.  People forget about God until they go bankrupt, lose their health, face the death of war, or their pride causes their downfall.  At this point, one becomes reflective.  Exhausted from efforts to rise above the rubble, one at last turns within.

Similar stories are repeated throughout the Old Testament of the Bible.  God helps the people through a crisis and gives them food, land, and affluence.  Years pass and they grow accustomed to the good life and forget about God.  Each generation grows further and further away from the teachings.  They start worshiping other gods and stop studying the scriptures and honoring their ancestors.  They become self-absorbed.  God becomes angry and takes away His Grace.  The people endure decades of war, famine, subjugation, during which they remember God, cry out, and the cycle starts again.  God has mercy, restores their fortunes, they forget, and hard times return.  I think these stories are descriptions of human life throughout the millennia.  They are meant to guide and teach us.

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Growing Through the Storms

Red Rose in a storm by faepacific

After a particularly challenging day, I wanted to fill my drained self with food and wine, but I know from experience that this choice is merely a Band-Aid, not a cure.  In fact, it keeps me in the valley.  A stuffed self cannot flow.  A drugged self cannot clearly see signposts on the path.  We grow spiritually when we are strong mentally and physically.

So on this particularly day, I chose to enter my meditation room and sit with no time limit.  I would sit until I felt better.  I mentally released all debt, lack, and limitation.  I spoke my word and told my struggles to get thee behind me.  I visualized pictures of mountains of drama and trauma turning to sand.

I filled myself with abundance.  I spoke health and prosperity.  I saw the beauty of my life and saw myself connected to all life, to the energy of all existence, and to the energy of the Universe. In that connection, I felt such overwhelming love, God’s love, that I started crying from the sheer immensity of that feeling.  At that moment, I felt secure.  I felt safe.  I felt that my situation was not insurmountable, that it would be resolved, that I was one with God and, therefore, one with abundance.  One with prosperity.  I felt that.

When I completed my meditation, I was compelled to flip through various books on my shelves.  I felt that whatever page I landed on would be what I needed to hear.

In The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, priests were serenely facing violence from the government.  The protagonist was scared to death, in fear of his life, and didn’t understand why they were so calm.  The priests were calm because they needed to keep their vibration level high.  They knew if they were fearful, their energy dropped.  With low energy, they could not receive insight or attract helpful people.  Fear attracts itself – more situations and circumstances that evoke panic and trepidation.

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These Are the Sweetest Days

sunshine lotus flickr

When I visited Europe, I spent hours in the museums, something I rarely do here in the States.  I always remembered to look up because there was beautiful artwork in the ceilings.  I was surrounded by astounding architecture above and beneath me.

For years, I never looked up on a regular basis.  Always, I went here and there, to and from, focused on the road or the bike or walking path.  I was very goal-oriented in my movement, intent on where I was going, not noticing my surroundings in the moment.

After my dad passed, I felt lost and alone.  While driving and listening to my music, “The Sweetest Days” came on, sung by Vanessa Williams:

Both of us so unbending
We battle the fear within
All the while, life is rushing by us
Hold it now and don’t let go
These are the days, the sweetest days we’ll know
So we whisper a dream here in the darkness
Watching the stars ‘til they’re gone
And when even the memories have all faded away
These days go on and on
Every day is the sweetest day we’ll know

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Can I Be Peace?

Peace flickr

I live near a venue where professional and televised basketball, football, and baseball games are played.  In this Age of The Internet, advertisers still use low-flying planes with banners that fly incessantly over my house.  During playoffs, helicopters and blimps hover over the arena.  The noise is irritating, but used to drive me into a rage, especially on a nice Sunday morning when I was trying to enjoy peace and quiet.

I would stand outside, document the fly-over times, and submit written complaints to the airport noise officer, who would send confirmations, but do nothing else.  I did this consistently for about six months – a total waste of my time and energy.

I have neighbors who used to play loud, bass-containing, rap music with N, F, and B words for hours on end.  I would incur their anger by repeatedly asking them to turn it down, earning the reputation as the mean lady on the block.  I would complain about people leaving vehicles in front of my house and numerous other nuisances.  I did not enjoy living in my house, primarily because of external irritants.

When meditating, I like to have complete silence.  In the past, if there was noise, I became so distracted I stopped meditating.  Isn’t that crazy?  There is always noise of some kind.  The thoughts of your mind are louder than any external thing.  If you become quiet enough, you can hear your heartbeat or the hum of energy surrounding you.

I finally decided to try to be peace in order to have peace, primarily by looking within.

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Our Connection to God

I was thinking about how we got so far away from God, from Spirit, from our connection with Nature.  In ancient days, people reportedly could actually hear and see a physical presence of the Creator or Spirit as, today, we see each other.  What happened to those capabilities?

All wisdom traditions have a creation story where the original Earth beings had direct communication with their Creator.  Most indigenous cultures had personal contact with their spiritual ancestors who protected and guided them.

We can see reasons for the current disconnect in our known history.  I remember the film “Daughters of the Dust,” about a community in coastal South Carolina where the descendants of former West African slaves continued to practice the Yoruba traditions of their ancestors.  I felt sad after watching it.  I understood why the young people left the island.  They wanted to be modern.  They wanted to have more, to be more.  They didn’t want to live the same life over and over.  Ultimately, those indigenous ways went the way of the wind.

Each generation that relinquishes ancestral teachings contributes to the dilution or extinction of that knowledge and connection with the earth and spirit and life itself.

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Becoming Accustomed to the Flow of Being

Flow of Being nancybenet

There is an indescribable feeling that I get in meditation or after yoga, even when I have monkey mind throughout (thinking of bills, chores, and people).  It may last for only a few seconds; but, the memory of that feeling makes me want more.  That’s why I always return to yoga, meditation, and other transformative practices, and read and listen to varying sources of wisdom.  I am repeatedly led to this feeling, however brief, that is hard to describe.  Is it peace?  An opening or space?  A flow?  An awareness?

I have similar experiences with eating.  I became a vegetarian after visiting my sister.  After six months, I craved my favorite meat dishes and returned to habitual ways of eating.  My body reacted.  It was though my system had cleansed itself and was clear.  When I resumed eating meat, grease, and other fatty foods that usually accompanied my meals, I began to experience indigestion and feeling uncomfortably stuffed.  In general, I did not feel well.  I realized that, prior to my vegetarian experience, I considered this state normal.

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Reality and Illusion

Reality and Illusion taniamarieartist

Spiritual and personal growth practitioners often speak of Reality and Illusion.  These can be challenging concepts.  Reality with a big “R” is indescribable, but called by many names.  It is like a fluid, all-encompassing, and malleable energy.  We get a glimpse of this Presence during meditation, in the overwhelming love that we feel for our child, and in the unspeakable and exuberant joy that we sometimes experience.

Reality with a big “R” is Creation.  It is Creative.  It spontaneously creates and actively gives form to thoughts.  Reality is Infinite Possibility.  What we are right now is an Illusion because it does not accurately reflect what we will be and what we can be.

Think of what you currently see, feel, hear, and experience as reality with a little “r.” Little “r” realities can be deemed illusory because they are transient and susceptible to a myriad of perceptions.  For example, in the wonderful book Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a little boy thought something was wrong with an orange that had seeds.  He had never seen or eaten oranges with seeds.  Seedless oranges were part of his reality.

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You Have Everything You Need

Abundance dpmuk

God has given you everything and everyone that will enable you to fulfill your purpose in this lifetime and to learn the lessons that will propel you to your destiny.  We get in our own ways, impede our progress, and give in to despair when we are actually experiencing new birth or tremendous opportunities.

Be patient.  You were given the right family, the right friends, and the right circumstances that will appear and disappear, cause stress, and provide the help that will sustain you when you cannot hold yourself up.  You are being pushed to your highest potential.  Developing any kind of muscle can be painful.  Cultivating spiritual muscle can be challenging because there is not always a tangible goal that can be clearly seen.  As well, the timeline for achievement is indefinite.  The end result seems illusive.

We’re all going through something because we are to evolve into more than what we are.  We are seeds that have to push through the dirt and rocks to give birth to our greatness.  We have to withstand the rain, the wind, and the harsh sun in order to develop strong roots that may blossom into mighty oaks and redwoods.  Then we will stand tall throughout the millennia, ever reaching towards the infinity of our beings.  Remember, the higher the building, the deeper the foundation must be.  What looks like a setback may actually be a setup towards your greatest success.

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