As I was cooking, which is very enjoyable and relaxing to me, I remembered a story about a man who came out of a successful surgery, but didn’t want to take painkillers. He said that he wanted to be able to feel. Feeling the pain reminded him that he was alive. This is what passion does. It reminds us that we are alive.
So many adults don’t feel the passion of youth. There have been too many hurts, too much loss, too many deaths. Intense and repeated trauma can negatively affect daily life. I chose to shut down that intense part of myself, believing that the pain matching the joy was just too much. I would rather not have that much joy.
But I miss my passion and excitement. I miss the feeling of totally letting myself go without fear, worry, or inhibition. Not caring what people think. I miss the joy of being free! To me, that is the epitome of being alive. Perhaps that’s why I became a human being – to feel.
When I was young, I became passionate about external things: jogging, skating, being in love, my job, civil and human rights, traveling. Perhaps because of the drama and trauma that I have been through, I now want to be passionately in love with me, with the Magnificence that is me. I want to be in love with Love itself, with being loving.
Looking back, I see how I have grown as a result of the pain in my life. I now view my current situation as a mechanism for developing awareness. While I most certainly desire more financial stability, I am so very blessed to have time to sit in silence and to engage in joyful activities that allow me to reflect, read, and write. If my circumstances were different, I would not have time to be still, to seek knowledge, and to grow. If I was working a traditional 9 to 6 with the additional commute, I would be running around on weekends doing what I couldn’t do during the week. If I had roommates, I would be interacting with them and the consequences of their lives.
