I was on a BART train that had come through the bay tunnel, arriving in San Francisco from Oakland.  The train stopped. Signals indicated that it was out of order.  I jumped off with other people trying to catch a train that had just pulled up.  As we rushed onto the second train, a man ran off past us and out of the station.  I grabbed a seat, took a relieved breath, and suddenly noticed that the back of the train was twisted and dented like a stomach that had been hit hard and doubled in.  It was almost as if it had melted and been molded into this shape.

We all stood in shock wondering what had happened.  Then I thought of the man who dashed off of the train.  He knew. Suddenly, I was filled with dread.  Something was about to happen.  Right now.  A train was coming into the station too fast.  An explosion was about to occur.  Whatever had caused the first train to go out of order and this one to be mangled was about to happen again.  Then I woke up.

In my awakened state, I tried to figure out what had happened.  I chided myself for being too hasty.  I didn’t even look at the train until I was within it.  I was tunnel-visioned.  I had to get on that train.  I had to get a seat at any cost.  Had I taken my time, I could have observed the situation and noticed that something was wrong.  I was in shock when I saw the train’s horrible condition.  That shock made me immobile, victim to whatever was coming.

In hindsight, I see that I have conducted most of my life in this way.  I have made hasty decisions and acted upon them.  I wanted something or someone and I focused on getting it or him with no serious thought of the consequences.  I rarely had a plan beyond acquiring my desire.

Dreaming about a train may indicate a choice of a relatively safe, impersonal, or unthreatening path or course of action and the surrender of a certain amount of control to the collective.  That was me.  I went to law school and, after graduation, to a prestigious law firm because this was acceptable and encouraged by society, family, and mentors.  My mother stated that I finally had a real job, even though I had previously been self-sufficient for twelve years in a job that I loved.

Dreams involving accidents commonly occur during stressful times.  Such dreams may also reflect the making of others responsible for what happens in one’s life.  This was definitely a stressful time in my life.  I lost my job, but not my financial obligations.  At the time, I was also caring for my mother who had Alzheimer’s.  I placed my entire focus on obtaining and keeping another job, giving no thought to whether the environment was demeaning or depleting.

In jobs and in relationships, I experienced adversity, which I blamed on the external, the “other.”  I most certainly did not consider that I chose, I decided, or that I was not yet capable of seeing beyond my acquisitions.

Continue reading →