In my guided meditation this morning, I focused on the statements: “My True Self is all that I hold dear. I AM my mother, my father, my best friend. I AM health and abundance.” I have meditated on these before, but today I felt their truth more intensely. I felt, “I AM that which I seek.”
My logical mind intruded and said, “Well, where are they? Why don’t you have them?” As usual, it argued with itself, saying “I can walk and see. I have enough to eat” and then, “You don’t have self-sufficiency. You don’t have all of the money that you need to live as you would like, to be debt-free, to travel, to live without anxiety.” Monkey mind. I refocused on my breath and my statements.
A thought came through: “That is like the sea saying ‘’where is the water?’ or the sky saying ‘I don’t have enough air!'”
Hmmm . . . I resettled into the silence of my meditation, again feeling that I AM.
I sat long in my meditation because my energy and emotions were low. Things aren’t happening within my desired time frame. I have high periods during which unexpected great things happen, after which there seems to be no momentum. I continue to climb up a mountain with no apparent summit. I get tired and discouraged, wondering when am I going to reach my destination. Yes, I mentally understand that the joy is in the journey, but right now I’m not feeling it.
During these times, I know that I need to tap into my Inner Self, so that my direction and purpose become more clear. As I sat in silence, I remembered that, when I was young, I followed my heart and it seemed as though doors easily opened and opportunities in my best interests presented themselves. I didn’t need to feel secure before I jumped. I moved from California to New Jersey with my plants, stereo, and $800. Now, I hesitate to spend $2,000, worried about what will come in next month. I sleep with the windows closed, suffocating in a hot house, scared that someone might climb in and attack me.
When I got roped into following my practical ego mind, I became entrapped in a cycle of struggle (even when I had a six-figure salary) from which I still work to get free. I got so far away from doing what made me happy that my ego existence became dominant. I developed a mindset for success that required long hours of work and sacrifice. I denied my inner needs. I had no time. I was not happy. What I did and had made me happy and I always needed to do more and have more.
Once I got on that treadmill, it was hard to get off because the illusion became the reality. As I accepted this false sense of myself, I created and attracted people and circumstances that supported that concept. I wanted out, but could see no guiding light in any direction. This is a hard cycle from which to break free. It’s like trying to wake up from a dream, but first you have to be aware that you’re dreaming.
I do feel that I am in a period of transition. I have gotten off of that endless wheel of doing and having. I did not consciously choose my exit. My dos and haves were taken away from me, perhaps in line with my spiritual growth. I am learning the hard way how to be in spite of. But I want to get to my next stage right now. If not now, then tomorrow.
Meditating on patience, I recall that I have consistently pursued awareness, clarity, understanding, guidance, and peace of mind. I have desired to know God. However, in the course of living, what I want in a given moment is to be able to pay my bills, buy what I want, have a nice body, and live in my dream house in a great location. In my quest to secure my material needs and desires, I often lose sight of my larger goals.
Swami Satchidananda comments on patience: “If you are unsettled and anxious to get the result, you are already disturbed; nothing done with that disturbed mind will have quality. So, it is not how long you practice, but with what patience, what earnestness, and what quality also.” I remember, “Not my will; thy will. God’s time, not my time.”
My meditation has once again illumined my path.