During this time of transition (which has been ongoing for six years), I have received numerous comments from friends and family about what I could and should be doing to secure income.  The general theme is “you’re not doing all that you could.  You could be doing more.”

Consistent suggestions include: becoming an Uber/Lyft driver, renting out parts of my home, and accepting low-paid clerical positions.  Always, there is an implied criticism that I’m not willing to take positions that I feel are less than my capabilities, qualifications, and potential.  I express what I feel are valid defenses to the well-intended offerings; however, after these conversations, I often feel drained, deficient, guilty, and self-condemning.

To rebalance, I take the time to be still, to meditate, to read and listen to guidance that reflects what I believe and know to be true.  As Joel Goldsmith advised, “unless we are careful to retire often into the sanctuary of our inner being, the stress of daily living will deprive us of the power of the spiritual sense that possesses us.”

I actually like my life.  I don’t relish existing in financial instability.  My truth is that I am in the process of changing.  Thirty years ago, I made a critical decision not to follow my heart’s desire, but to do what seemed more practical at the time.  This led into years of choosing money first and foremost over what would grow me into the person that, at the time, I wanted to be.

I stopped being authentic.  Because I placed myself in environments that were diametrically opposed to my intrinsic nature, I was often surrounded by people with whom I was incompatible.  Tension, conflict, and neverending stress became the norm.

Most people who tell me what I could and should be doing are not themselves leading lives of joy, contentment, and fulfillment.  They are like I used to be: working in conditions that cause them to be mentally and physically unhealthy.  Their jobs allow them to survive, but not thrive.  The acceptable standard is doing whatever is believed to be needed to make it through.

I know from experience that the average person working a 40-hour week with the additional commute is exhausted at the end of each day.  In general, there are only a few hours after work and on weekends to handle household and personal affairs, much less to engage in physical exercise, meditate or otherwise be still and reflect, and tend to self.  Most people fit in more chores and activities by sleeping less, eating out more, and self-medicating with substances to wake them up, go to sleep, calm down, be more alert, and artificially feel better.

My years of developing inner joy, inner freedom, inner peace and contentment have made me crave these attributes.  As these become my norm, I am beginning to attract the same.  Thus, even in moments of desperation when I choose the other, the positive energy that I have nurtured from within prevents the manifestation of that other in my life.  I recognize these moments as lingering patterns that continue to be released during my transformative process.

Creating from a sense of desperation is like building a house on a foundation of shifting sand.  Any sense of security is an illusion that will eventually disappear.

It is very challenging to wait for what feels right, to turn away from what seems oppressive, exploitative, or just plain wrong, especially when we’re hungry, the mortgage is overdue, and the lights are being turned off.  But we change our lives by changing our minds, our concepts, and patterns of thinking, however long it takes.  Only then will the physical realms change.

In swimming, one of my coaches suggested that I use my fins to improve my body position.  He said that, over time, my brain would adjust to the body position made correct by the fins.  Ultimately, the brain, creating muscle memory, would make the body assume the new posture.  I found this to be true, even though I didn’t believe it initially.  I kept trying to force my body to do what I wanted by using more effort to swim as I always had: kicking harder, swinging my arms more rapidly – all in the same dragging body position.  This struggle produced nothing but frustration.  Nothing changed until I decided to do something different.  I am approaching my life similarly.

Now, I’m trying to create from my correct inner position: my authenticity, my true nature, my peace, my joy, my feelings about what I really want, how I want to live my life, and who I want to be around.  Getting to my new posture seems to be taking quite a long time.  Sometimes what I thought I wanted doesn’t come through and I have to tell myself, “That wasn’t for me.  Keep refining.”

A lot of things are falling apart, crumbling, withdrawing.  It’s a scary time.  Nevertheless, I am going to continue my climb up this mountain, becoming stronger and more proficient as I find a way through each impasse.  I know that the view at the summit will be breathtaking.