In February 2015, I created Ancient Seeker.  I felt such a sense of accomplishment.  It was something that I had wanted to do for years.  I enjoy writing and re-reading my posts and inserting inspirational items on my GospelLinks and PathLinks pages.  Ancient Seeker represents me – not the worker bee me or the parts of me that I present to different people depending upon their relationship to me.  Ancient Seeker exposes the vulnerable me, the flawed me, the hopeful me, and my journey towards becoming an evolved self.

I was very happy until . . .

I read about a woman who started her own church, has written books, and is a nationally-known inspirational speaker.  I knew this woman.  We took classes together.  I remembered when she started giving seminars to small groups of people.  Now look at her!  Immediately, I began to judge myself.  “What is wrong with you?  What are you doing?  Look at what she has done with her life!  The two of you started out together.  Now she’s well-known and successful and you’re nothing!”

OMG!  It takes so little to send me down the rabbit hole.  I had to step back and get into observer mode.

I recalled the Biblical commandment not to covet.  In addition to wanting what another has, coveting is a form of self-judgment.  It means that what I have is not enough.  I am inadequate.  It is an affirmation of lack and limitation.  It is also a failure to recognize the infinity of our interconnectedness and interrelationship.  A part of me, expressed as her, has manifested a desire.  At this moment in time, that energy is flowing through her; but, it is the same energy that flows through me and creates according to my abilities, awareness, and consciousness.

What is happening to me right now is best for me.  It is supportive of what I need to learn, do, and be.  It is instrumental to my particular evolution.  I know what I want to happen in the future, what I visualize for myself.  If those pictures aren’t in line with my destiny, with my purpose, then those hopes and dreams are not for me.

Truly, I thank God that I didn’t get (or keep!) some of my greatest desires: the loves that I thought I couldn’t live without, the jobs that I held onto even though I was stressed beyond reason.  I am even thankful (I admit – on rare occasions) that I don’t have the wonderful, happily ever after life I always crave.

When I broke my foot, I sank into a deep depression.  That breakdown resulted in a spiritual breakthrough for me.  Nevertheless, as soon as I was able, I resumed my intense cardio activities, which gave me much joy and little time for meditating, yoga, spiritual study, and writing.  Again, I was derailed.  Apparently, I was supposed to slow down, even stop.  This was not my plan, my intent, or my desire.  Or was it?

When I wrote my intentions in 2004, and again in 2012, not one stated “I want my own church” or “I want to be a nationally known speaker.”  Yet, instantly, I judged myself to be inferior to a woman who, most likely, became what she intended to be.  I am pursuing my path.  In 2004, I wrote: “I continue to grow spiritually and in awareness of God and my oneness with God.  I am a channel through which God manifests Its good.  I evolve and help others evolve.  I love unconditionally.  I am at peace with myself and have joy within me and in my life affairs.  I am happy and bring happiness to others.”

That’s why it helps to write stuff down.  So when the crazy self emerges, I can pat her on her head and say, “down girl, get a grip.”  Remember what YOU said you wanted.  Not what looks good on other people.  Not what would feel good right now as you are going through a painful growth spurt.  But for my unemployment and immobility, I would not have gotten Ancient Seeker off the ground.  I would not have resumed my yoga practice in order to stretch and strengthen my body to avoid physical injury while exercising; but, also, in order to grow spiritually.  A healthy temple is vital to nurturing Higher Consciousness.

When I was in theology school, I kept close the following Tibetan prayer: “Grant that I may be given appropriate difficulties and sufferings on this journey so that my heart may be truly awakened and my practice of liberation and universal compassion may be truly fulfilled.”

Nowadays, I keep that prayer buried in my file cabinet.  I’m like, “OK. Enough.  I’ve got it!”  Yet I know that I won’t “have it” until I stop resisting and start welcoming the lessons that are so vital to my awakening and realization.

At times, those lessons come in the forms of lives that I covet.