Tag Archives: I

Goodbye and Hello

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On New Year’s Eve 2016, I decided that, in 2017, I would choose me.  I would choose what I want in my life and what I want to do – as opposed to doing what is expected of me.  On New Year’s Day 2017, with purposeful intention, I opened my mind, my heart, and my soul to Flow.  I resolved to get along with people, to not react and respond to what I perceive as negativity, and to learn to see the light in myself and everyone else.

On the last day of 2016, I outlined life changes that I would work on in 2017.  I would strive to be positive and cooperative.  I would let go of how others treated me, what they didn’t give me, or what they could have or should have done.  I accepted that I have the power to change my life and that there is no power that has yet been born that can take away my joy.

More importantly, I saw myself moving forward by any positive and productive means necessary.  Sometimes, we won’t leave our neighborhoods, cities, loved ones, jobs or other comfort zones – no matter how draining or miserable – because of cultural norms, family ties, love, financial dependence, fear of being alone, obligation, and any number of reasons.

I am around many people who live health-based lives.  I am also close to those who chose to live in unhealthy ways and are in denial of the realities and consequences of their actions and ways of thinking and being.  I completely understand the latter because it has been extremely hard to look in my mirror and face the ways in which I have contributed to all aspects of my existence.  Regardless of how I believe that I have been treated and how unfair and wrong the externals in my life have been, I could have reacted differently, knowing that I am complete and whole, and that nothing can stop me from receiving what is for me.

Sometimes, being understanding, supportive, and committed can keep you from your destiny.  When your fullest potential is unrealized, maybe it’s time to step back and away from where you’re placing your primary efforts.  As for me, I got tired of living on the side of a cliff and decided to get off.  Whatever it takes, whoever and whatever I have to leave, I am moving forward, onward and upward.

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Show Up Anyway

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I have come to accept myself with all my weaknesses as well as my strengths.  I no longer run away from my negative feelings and emotions that once overwhelmed and incapacitated me, but come to face them without fear.  “The Joy of Practice” by Chan Tue Nghiem from A Joyful Path by Thich Nhat Hanh

I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.  Georgia O’Keefe

There is a force in the universe forever on the side of those brave enough to trust it.  Nancy Van Fleet

Here’s the secret: nobody’s ready.  Every single day, each of us receives some kind of offer in our shaking hands and feels unqualified to accept it.  It’s up to us to become bold enough to trust the opportunity, come out of hiding, and start dancing with life – to be messy and complicated and show up anyway.  Glennon Doyle

You have omnipotence at your command and eternity at your disposal.  Khephra Burns

Old way of thinking: If I don’t try, I can’t fail.  New: If I don’t try, I will definitely fail.

Flow With Change

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I unexpectedly obtained a job for which I had applied almost one year earlier.  It had taken so long to manifest that I accepted what I called my bridge job, something to hold me over until I could figure out my next step.  While on the bridge job, I realized that I was repeating my old pattern: doing whatever in order to make money.  My heart said to me, “I am tired of doing this.  I deeply want [a list of intangibles].”

Almost instantly, the long-delayed job came through.  I immediately left my bridge job and began the new one the next day.  I felt as though this was fate, God sent, and what I was meant to do.

The new job did not match my expectations at all.

Unbeknownst to me, my supervisors looked at my skill set and decided that I could perform duties that were needed, but not funded under the advertised position.  My role was based upon a need that had nothing to do with what I thought the job entailed.  My supervisors saw something in me that I didn’t even see in myself and thought that I would be perfect for the undefined placement.

My new job was filled with a lot of uncertainty.  It presented entirely new situations with entirely new types of people.

On the outside looking in, I thought, “I can do this.”  Once I got into my new position, the uncertainty made me doubt myself.  My role was not well defined.  Each day I didn’t know what to expect.  Throughout each day, I could be at one place performing certain tasks and I would suddenly be called to go to another location and do something entirely different.

Most of the time, I tried to live up to this unknown thing about me that other people saw.  I tried to live up to their vision.  On the other hand, I was very uncomfortable because my previous positions have been fairly predictable.  I like that.  In my new position, I often had no clue of what to do.  There was no training.  I dealt with each situation as it came up.  Each day I learned something fresh.  I acted on instinct.  I made mistakes.  I don’t like making mistakes.

Even in positions that I didn’t particularly like, I always had certainty.  I knew what was expected of me.  If I hadn’t done it before, I had done something like it and could figure out what was needed and get it done.  In this job, I was in a whole new world.

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Looking Back: Connecting the Dots Part I

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Dot One

When I moved to the East Coast as a young adult, I found my element.  New York and Washington, D.C. matched an energy that could not be totally expressed in my hometown.  Everything that I pursued manifested.  I was assertive and confident.  I felt powerful.  Whatever I decided to do became easily within my reach.  I flowed.

Dot Two

Then I made the decision to return home.  Six months after I began my new job, I knew it wasn’t for me.  But I stayed.  I was devastated to realize that I didn’t want what I had put so much time, effort, and expense in obtaining.  Now what?  I felt lost.  I didn’t know what to do.  During my fourth and last year at my firm, I spent almost a month in Hawaii.  There, in peace and free to think, I made the decision to be a writer.

Dot Three

I mostly wandered for the next year.  Tried to find myself.  Meditated.  Explored.  I travelled.  I tried to start my own legal practice.  I kept getting thoughts that this was to be a period of rest and rejuvenation and that I wasn’t to worry about future income.

At one point, I asked God, “What is my destiny?”  I went over my past and asked why I had gone to law school and accepted employment at a corporate firm.  It hadn’t seemed to accomplish much.  The answer I received was that law school and the firm enabled me to return to California.  I wouldn’t have come any other way because I wanted to retain my income.  California was where I needed to be in order to be with my father during his last year of life, to resolve my differences with my family, and to move beyond where I was on a spiritual level.

I then asked, “Why did I start my estate planning business?  The answer was that I needed to get away from the firm.  I needed a reason to leave.  In addition, it was practical, as I would need to plan for the distribution of my own estate and my mother’s when she passed.

Reading this many years later made me realize that most of what appears externally is not the essence, the reality, the why of what is occurring.  If we could see the larger picture, we wouldn’t worry and become fearful and despondent.  We would know that all is for our good and everything will work out ok.

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Change, Practice, Flow

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Bright Horizons Julia Di Sano

No more will you fear conditions or circumstances seemingly outside of you or beyond your control.  Now you know that all that can transpire in your experience is occurring within your consciousness and, therefore, is subject to its government and control.  Joel Goldsmith

Meanwhile, if anyone did dare to ask, the answer would be: I considered giving up.  I thought God was no longer listening to me.  I often had to change direction and, on occasion, I lost my way.  Despite everything, though, I found it again and carried on, because I was convinced there was no other way to live my life.   Paulo Coelho

At certain moments you need to have discipline, and in others you need to just be guided by life.  You have to balance your willpower with the capacity to relax and enjoy and go with the flow.  There is a Zen proverb that says, basically, if you want something, step aside and let this thing come to you.   Paulo Coelho

Tomorrow, and only tomorrow, will I take another step. . .  Until one day, without warning, the road stops testing the traveler and begins to treat him generously.  Paulo Coelho

Just as an acrobat flies easily through the air with no apparent effort, success, when it comes, seems the most natural thing in the world.  Paulo Coelho

It’s a funny thing.  The more I practice, the luckier I get.  Arnold Palmer

No Rhyme or Reason

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I am moving closer to my goal of letting go and letting life because I don’t see any rational reason for recent occurrences.  The artist Prince died and there doesn’t seem to be an acceptable reason for his premature death, or for the passing on of many others who provided much joy, inspiration, and innovation to the world.  Prince was a genius, a philanthropist, and a supporter of just causes.  He didn’t seem to have any type of psychosis or mental issues.  He performed up to the time of his sudden death.  He was a good person.  Why did he leave this realm to which he so positively contributed?

Two days after Prince died, I went to the memorial service of an associate.  She lived a wonderful, spiritual, and giving life.  She was very well loved by everyone.  She appeared to have everything and lived “right.”  Why her?

I look at Steve Jobs.  All of his money, status, and technology couldn’t save his life.  Why?  Wouldn’t the world continue to benefit by his presence?  There are people who abuse their bodies and/or other people every single day.  Defying all odds and statistics, they live long and sometimes prosperous lives.  Sometimes, I think that Earth is hell and the ones left behind haven’t done whatever we’re supposed to do to make it out.  That theory doesn’t make sense, however, because many people are living joyful and fulfilled lives in this here and now.

I look at people whose lives I might have chosen for myself.  I think, “their lives are so great.”  Then I learn that they are going through life challenges that I couldn’t imagine bearing.  Maybe they lost their homes, loved ones, and every single thing they own in a fire, earthquake, tornado, landslide or war.

Some people have financial abundance, but undergo health challenges.  I have to accept that I don’t know why things happen.  There doesn’t seem to be anything that one can do to avoid suffering.  You can be this great wonderful person who everybody loves.  You can be a genius.  You can be a zillionaire and still have insecurities and childhood issues that you can’t seem to resolve.

I’ve been around long enough to see that there isn’t a simple explanation.  There isn’t an answer that says if you do “this,” you will have an absolutely perfect, pain free, and struggle free life.

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Quotes by Prince

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when doves fly

Maybe I’m just too demanding
Maybe I’m just like my father, too bold
Maybe you’re just like my mother
She’s never satisfied
Why do we scream at each other
This is what it sounds like
When doves cry

 

A strong spirit transcends rules.

Time is a mind constraint.  It’s not real.

The gatekeepers must change.

If you set your mind free, maybe you’ll understand.

The most important thing is to be true to yourself.

I’m not a woman.  I’m not a man.  I am something that you’ll never understand.

Yeah, everybody’s got a bomb.  We could all die any day.  But before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away.

There are no accidents.  And if there are, it’s up to us to look at them as something else.  And that bravery is what creates new flowers.

I Don’t Stand Alone

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Caribbean Art wikipedia

Right before I woke up, I had a dream.  I was in open water, but had gone far out by myself.  I could see other swimmers and the shore.  The water was smooth, no waves.  It was a beautiful day.  Suddenly, a very tall man appeared like a giant standing on the water.  He was fully clothed with black hair and a thin mustache.  He looked at me, sank into the water, and began to drag me down.  I screamed for help over and over.  No one could hear me.  The distance between me and the others was too great.  The man pulled me underwater.  I struggled and tried to kick him, but he was too strong.  My last thought before I woke up was, “I’m going to die.”

In my half-dream, half-awake state, I tried to work out a different ending.  I felt that the dream was an exercise.  Something to teach me.  Re-entering the dream, I imagined all of my ancestors surrounding me.  There were too many to count.  You couldn’t even see the shore.  All you could see was the water between me and the man and my limitless ancestors surrounding us.  Then the man disappeared.  He was an illusion.

All of this could be an effect of watching the movie Amistad before I went to sleep.  As well, as I lay in bed, I asked the question, “How will I resolve my current challenge?”  I felt confident that an answer would await me in the morning.  I fell asleep.

Amistad is a true story about Africans who were captured in 1839, sold to Portuguese slave traders in violation of international law, and sold again in Cuba to Spaniards.  Under the leadership of Sengbe Pieh, later called Cinqué, the Africans led a revolt.  Many shipmen were killed except those necessary to return the ship and its surviving captives to Africa.

Unfortunately, the crew steered the ship towards the Americas where they were intercepted by the U.S. Navy.  The Africans were imprisoned as runaway slaves.  Because of international issues of ownership and jurisdiction, the disposition of the captives was ultimately decided by the U.S. Supreme Court who, after three years, ruled in favor of the Africans who were freed and returned to their homeland.

In the movie, while awaiting the Court’s decision, John Quincy Adams tried to emotionally prepare for an adverse judgment.  Cinqué, responding emphatically, referred to his ancestors:

We won’t be going in there alone.  I will call into the past, far back to the beginning of time, and beg them to come and help me.  At the judgment, I will reach back and draw them into me and they must come.  For, at this moment, I am the whole reason they have existed at all.

Something stirred within me as I felt the profundity of this statement.  They must come, for I am the reason for their existence.

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Behold! The Thing Greater Than Myself

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I told a friend that I have to testify about all that God has done for me.  He said, correcting me, “You mean all that you have done for yourself,” as if to say, “You don’t believe in yourself.  You believe in an external (e.g., nonexistent) entity.”  I explained my belief in the Indescribable Energy, Force, Spirit, That Which is Unnamable, that I call God.  Even though my view of God is unlimited, I use that term because that is the name given to the Presence by the people who raised me.

I read to my friend the part of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho in which the boy realized that the soul of God was his soul.  Therefore, he was able to perform miracles.  Similarly, I use separation terminology to express my realization that I am part of a greater something.  I am a drop of water in an ocean. I am a particle of sand within an infinite beach.  The drop is still the ocean, as the sand is the beach.  Because I am aware of who and what I am, I can freely use “God” and not diminish myself.

I understand what I mean when I say “what God has done for me.”  It is an easy and simplistic way of saying that, as I grow in awareness and understanding of that which is greater than me, I manifest the harmonious conditions that are Reality.

It is a luxury to believe that success and achievement are solely a result of one’s own actions and abilities, when such things can be gone in an instant.  Throughout the natural world, people have believed that they are self-sufficient and superior when, in fact, their physical ownership and dominion was and is often a result of conquests, colonization, and elimination, or because they accommodated and acquiesced to those who wield power and might.  There can never be enough money and power for those who derive fulfillment from foundations of sand.  Why else do those who have much continue to seek more?  Such desire is neverending.

I will go one step further and state my belief that life is eternal and that human incarnation repeatedly occurs.  We live the effects of causes created in past embodiments and are constantly creating causes that will have future effects.  Unfortunately, with little or no memory of our pre-birth selves, we experience each life anew, believing that our prosperity or indigence is totally the result of our own efforts or lack thereof.  If the former, we are prone to believe in ourselves as stand-alone islands, solely empowered by our personal strengths, capabilities, and external connections.

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A Shift in Consciousness

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consciousness flickr

Last night I woke up at 2:30am, worried about how I will pay my various bills.  Almost instantly, feelings of peace and happiness overrode and surrounded that anxiety.  I feel that I am going to create something and that I’m going to be ok.  This time, my creation will come from the peace and joy within me instead of the usual fear and desperation.  Therefore, it will be just right for me.  It will further my goals and be compatible with the ways in which I want to live and express myself.

I feel a shift.  Yesterday, I explained to a friend that we work for years on our swim stroke techniques or on developing a skill or craft.  We must have that same intent and perseverance in developing our consciousness.  Because we are infinite, there is no end to our evolution.  There’s always more to learn and further to expand in every way – energetically, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

When I returned to swimming and bicycling after seven months in recovery from a broken foot, it was like starting over.  My ankles and muscles hurt.  I was exhausted.  I felt as though I was swimming through mud.  My coach would say, “Stop focusing on speed.  Focus on your technique.”  I remembered swimming with another coach who focused mostly on drills instead of straight lap swimming.  Her swimmers swam less mileage during workouts, but performed better in competition.  Boring and tiresome drills build muscle.  They strengthen your arms and legs, which build the ability to utilize correct form.  Proper stroke and body position propel you more swiftly with less effort.

Nine months later, “suddenly” I became faster.  That’s how I felt last night.  “Suddenly” I felt a shift in consciousness, like I know that things will work out.  I’m going to be able to keep my house, to pay my bills, and to move more concretely towards my goals.

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