Calming My Chaotic Mind

Sunset at Sea Thomas Moran

I went to the law library to research various subjects and practice guides.  In order to minimize my time in the library, I copied certain documents on a small flash drive.  When I completed my tasks, I gathered up my belongings, removed the flash drive from the computer, and left.  I was very busy for the next week and a half.  At some point, I missed the drive, but figured that I had misplaced it and, like other items, it would eventually show up.

After two weeks, I began to panic.  I looked everywhere – in my purses, my car, pockets, desk, floors, in between couch pillows.  Waking up at 2 AM, I turned on my laptop, and discovered that I hadn’t downloaded any documents from the library.  Thus, I presumed that I hadn’t removed the device from the library’s computer.

The next day, I called the library and was told that, when found, they throw the drives away. They don’t have space to store the many USB devices that people leave behind.  I thought of all of the time I spent at the library, carefully selecting my desired documents.  The librarian had to contact another staff member to access the database that contained what I needed. All that effort was worthless now.  How could I have left the drive?

The day before I began to miss my flash drive, I had a dream in which I was swept into the ocean by huge waves.  I knew that I could swim, but I was so far out, I began to feel hopeless.  I wondered why I had this dream.  I didn’t feel overwhelmed or lost.  The next morning, during meditation, I felt tired. The loss of my flash drive was consuming my thoughts.  I felt that, metaphorically, every time I get close to shore, a big wave comes and carries me far away.  I use much effort to swim back only to find myself swept out again and again.  In my meditative flashback of my dream, I decided not to swim back and to just drift out to sea.  I had no more energy or inclination.

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