I was listening to Stranger in My House, sung by Tamia.  I have listened to this song countless times.  It talks about her lover who has changed so much that she no longer recognizes him.  This day, I heard words that I had not previously perceived, perhaps because my consciousness was receptive:

Could it be that the stranger is me?

Have I changed so drastically?

Is it I want more for me and you’ve remained the same?

Took awhile to figure out.

I started crying.  It’s me, not them!  I’ve changed.

The Universe is aligning and matching me with the value that I have placed on myself.   It is impossible for me to be involved with anything that is not compatible with my vibrational level.  I keep getting upset because some people are treating me differently.  We’re no longer as close as we used to be.  We’re having more conflict.  Maybe they’re treating me the same, but I’ve grown.  I’m new.  I’m not the person that I was.  I’m the stranger and they are behaving as they would with the former me and my new me no longer finds that acceptable.

I have begun to love myself not because of how I look or what I possess or what I’ve accomplished or because others say that they love me.  I love me because I AM ME!  I tell myself, “I love you. I love you.”  I remember how lovingly I renovated my mom’s house because I loved her.  I wanted her to be happy.  Her joy fulfilled me.  Well, I now love me.  I want me to be happy because of my joy.  How can I create love, how can I love others, how can I manifest anything positive if I don’t love me first?  As I have done for others, I need to do for me.

My love of me does not depend on whether or not others love me.  Valuing my worth has nothing to do with anyone.  It has everything to do with me.  I am going to be strong in this knowledge.  I need to shower every fear and every thought of lack and limitation with love.  I need to love all aspects of my life.

Our self-love is so dependent upon external factors: how we are raised or treated by family, friends, others; our financial status, our profession, our sense of security.  Adults commonly don’t feel self-love “just because.”  Just because we exist.  Just because we are awake.  Can we love ourselves for no reason at all?

I watched The Joy Luck Club again.  It is a movie about mothers and daughters.  One mother told her daughter to know her worth.  She explained that her own mother didn’t know her worth and she had tried to raise her daughter differently.  Yet, it seemed that no matter what, her daughter behaved like her grandmother.  The mother implored her daughter to know her worth before it was too late.

The Joy Luck Club showed that you can start out strong and confident; then life and people can sap that spirit out of you.  Your parents can drain you of joy because of their own pain.  But you can renew your depleted spirit.  No one can give you back your spirit because it never left you.  You can become temporarily deaf and blind to its existence as a result of life’s traumas and dramas. But you can reawaken to the might and power of your soul by opening your eyes and ears.  No matter how long it takes, keep trying.  Don’t give up.

In the past, I chose the other over myself and now my stuff is raggedy.  I realize that I have been focusing on OPB (“Other People’s Business”).  If I had extra time, then I got to mine.  If someone else had a need, I put that need ahead of mine.  So now I’m saying, “no no no no.”

I’m changing.  I need to.  I am choosing me.  I keep remembering that it is ok to give.  It is not ok to be sacrificial.  That’s where I’m starting to change.  I’m beginning to ask: “Is this a giving that reflects me not handling my business?  Is my oxygen tank full?  Am I choosing and fulfilling another person’s priorities over my own?”

My change in focus to choosing me first is causing a lot of tension with those who don’t yet like this self-loving me – the authentic me.  Oh well.  I have to hold onto what I need to do for myself.

Today and every day, I will practice loving me.  And I’m going to pat myself on the back.