During one very dark point in my life, I spent about six to eight weeks in self-imposed isolation.

My mom had passed the year before.  I had no income.  Nevertheless, I was making the best of my circumstances.  I was exercising, practicing yoga, and eating healthfully.  I felt that I was one with God and growing in Spirit every day.  Then, my life changed instantly.  I lost my work-trade job (working for classes) at a yoga studio, broke my foot, and became immobile.  My health as I appreciated it was taken away.  I went into a downward tailspin.

Looking back, it seems incredible, but I just lost it.  It was too much.  I decided to give up.  I didn’t want to live anymore.  When my half-hearted attempt to end my life was unsuccessful, I began my in-house retreat.  It was clear that I had lost my connection – again.  Every time I think “I’ve got it!” something happens to show me that my belief is not unshakeable.  It’s like geometry.  I learn to solve one problem, but don’t understand the principle enough to withstand subsequent challenges. Thus, losing all of my transient rocks (mom, income, yoga, mobility) forced me to reconnect with that which is Unchangeable.

As I fell deeper into an abyss, I became desperate not to plunge further and focused intently on climbing out.  I read, meditated, listened to inspirational music and sermons.  Many times I simply sat in silence.  One of the books I read was Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain, which had been on my bookshelf for years.  I tried to read it, but could never get into it.  During the exile from myself, I read it repeatedly because it was what I needed to hear at that time.

Living in the Light affirmed my belief that, when we are born into the material world, we forget that we are powerful spiritual beings.  For everything, we fruitlessly look outside of ourselves, from which we cannot find lasting fulfillment and satisfaction.  Chapter 4 talks about getting lost in our activities.  That’s what happened to me.  My health and exercise became my idols.  Why else would my inability to swim, bicycle, and practice yoga tip me into despair?

I had no power over the death of my mother (or the earlier losses of my sister, father, beloved dog, and cousin).  However, I could most certainly control my body.  Yet, this too was taken from me.

According to Shakti Gawain, the breakdown that I had was my hitting bottom.  I had been doing everything “right.”  I was a faithful daughter who took care of my mother for 14 years.  I meditated, prayed, and studied spiritual texts.  Despite all of that, I was still experiencing incredible hardship.  What else could I do?  Feeling hopeless, I experienced a limited ego death.  My mind decided that it would rather die than to keep trying.  This was the darkness before the dawn.

Living in the Light references an analogy by Ram Dass that I read over and over to get me through this period.  He relates the process of “enlightenment” to a clock.  From 12:00 to 3:00, we exist in the realm of illusion, totally reactive to the external.  From 3:00 – 6:00, we become disillusioned with the material world.  At 6:00, we hit rock bottom; but, this actually is an awakening to the spirit within.  If we are able to make it through, we are on our way to another level of awareness.

It took a while, at least two years, to realize that I hadn’t yet internalized my studies.  My life was built on sand, even as I professed my belief in God as the Source of my being.  If I accept Spirit as my base, my substance, and my supply, everything else is an addition to, but not my foundation.  The strong tree stands even though it may lose its leaves.

Over time, I began to change my behavior in addition to my thinking – encouraged by the full view of the bottomless pit while hanging from the side of the cliff.  Once I began to fully recognize my Divinity, I desired to see, think, speak, and act through this prism.  I began to better comprehend that what I create in my life takes on the form and substance of that with which I primarily identify.

I have for decades accepted intellectually that we are the instruments and expressions of Spirit.  Because of unfortuitous circumstances and my strong determination to rise above them, I now clearly see and take responsibility for what I have created.  I am now more conscious of the connection between my thoughts, words, and behavior and the manifestation of everything in my life.

I am now committed to creating from my God-Self and not from the material world, which stems from the perceptions and illusions of my ego mind.