In 2004, I wrote a very specific and long list of things that I wanted. Examples included: learning different languages; living in other countries; earning millions of dollars from my writing; being debt-free; working because I want to, not because I have to; practicing and, eventually, teaching yoga; and so on. Years passed. One day, I found that list in a forgotten folder. The only thing that I had fully accomplished was insuring that my mom was well cared for.
In 2012, I participated in a ritual involving angels who would grant three wishes. I don’t know whether they came or not. I didn’t feel anything. Ultimately, I turned those three wishes into three intentions that I read aloud every day, then once per month, then every now and then, and finally not at all.
By the end of 2016, I had obtained a new job. All other doors were closed and I chose to walk through the one that was open. Every week, I am provided with many opportunities to grow and to modify my prior ways of reacting and responding. I’m constantly changing, trying to figure out how to navigate and be a positive, instead of negative, force in a chaotic situation. I consider this position a bridge to that which I have not yet clarified.
I again wrote down what I want. This time I felt that I expressed what my spirit, my true self, the real me truly wants. As I grow and as I’m able to shed layers of distraction, layers of the external me, layers of whatever, I’m reaching my core. I’m revealing what is.
Intentions point me back to myself. They are revelations; guideposts enabling me to get close enough to hear the core me crying out, expressing my reality: “This is who I AM. This IS me.”
My first job had its positive and negatives. Ultimately, I left because it disappointed me in terms of my consciousness and awareness at the time. Looking back on all that I’ve been through, I compare it to leaving my parents’ home. I couldn’t wait until my 18th birthday. I left days afterward to get away from burdensome rules and limitations. Much later, I realized how good I had it.
So it was with my first job. The way that I saw the world at that time was very rigid, very black and white. Now, the way that I see the world is very fluid, with various shades of all different kinds of colors, not one way or the other. I realize that there are many different ways of being.
As I look back, there is so much that I didn’t and couldn’t see. I didn’t appreciate that my job was exceptional because I had not yet been exposed to what is common and normal for much of the working populace. I made good money. I was able to travel at length. I participated in activities that fed my soul and supported issues and causes with which I agreed wholeheartedly, such as protesting against apartheid in front of the South African embassy without being afraid to be seen on television by my employer.
I didn’t fully value my first job’s uniqueness and the freedom that it allowed me. I was able to be me, the fullest extent of me. I was able to grow to my unlimited potential. People supported me and helped propel me further. I was around those who were witty, intelligent, and who aspired to and were capable of being more. I was thereby inspired to do and be the same.
This year, I have come full circle. Now that I have some understanding, I am returning to the essence of what that first job provided me: experiences that were in tune with my spirit. I had an energetic openness, perhaps because I was still young and expectant. I was not yet jaded, disappointed, full of obligations and other distractions that make us blind to the freedom that we are.
For many years, I believed that I was lost. In fact, all of the hurt, pain, disappointment, and distraction that I endured enabled me to clarify my reality. Thus, I can look back on that first job and fully identify and appreciate what it gave to me.
Like the song “Home” in The Wiz, I needed enough time to grow up and figure out who I AM, what I AM, and how I react and interact with the world around me. I needed to learn how to guide the boat in which I find myself and not simply float and go where circumstance and situation lead me.
I am coming into greater consciousness of my essence. My essence is saying, “This is me. This is what I want. This is how I want to evolve. This is my path. This is who I AM. This is the direction in which I want to row my boat. This is the direction in which my tide flows.”
Intention is an aspiration. Realizing and being aware of who and what I AM is a state of being.