I unexpectedly obtained a job for which I had applied almost one year earlier.  It had taken so long to manifest that I accepted what I called my bridge job, something to hold me over until I could figure out my next step.  While on the bridge job, I realized that I was repeating my old pattern: doing whatever in order to make money.  My heart said to me, “I am tired of doing this.  I deeply want [a list of intangibles].”

Almost instantly, the long-delayed job came through.  I immediately left my bridge job and began the new one the next day.  I felt as though this was fate, God sent, and what I was meant to do.

The new job did not match my expectations at all.

Unbeknownst to me, my supervisors looked at my skill set and decided that I could perform duties that were needed, but not funded under the advertised position.  My role was based upon a need that had nothing to do with what I thought the job entailed.  My supervisors saw something in me that I didn’t even see in myself and thought that I would be perfect for the undefined placement.

My new job was filled with a lot of uncertainty.  It presented entirely new situations with entirely new types of people.

On the outside looking in, I thought, “I can do this.”  Once I got into my new position, the uncertainty made me doubt myself.  My role was not well defined.  Each day I didn’t know what to expect.  Throughout each day, I could be at one place performing certain tasks and I would suddenly be called to go to another location and do something entirely different.

Most of the time, I tried to live up to this unknown thing about me that other people saw.  I tried to live up to their vision.  On the other hand, I was very uncomfortable because my previous positions have been fairly predictable.  I like that.  In my new position, I often had no clue of what to do.  There was no training.  I dealt with each situation as it came up.  Each day I learned something fresh.  I acted on instinct.  I made mistakes.  I don’t like making mistakes.

Even in positions that I didn’t particularly like, I always had certainty.  I knew what was expected of me.  If I hadn’t done it before, I had done something like it and could figure out what was needed and get it done.  In this job, I was in a whole new world.

An old environment is comfortable, even if you’re not happy, because you’re used to dealing with it.  You’ve navigated it for many years; thus, even if the factual details are different, you know how to satisfactorily perform.  Even though I didn’t want to be involved with it anymore, I was comfortable with my old environment.

Determined to be open to new experiences, I looked at myself and saw that I have a rigidity about me.  Wanting certainty and wanting everything to match my expectations are forms of rigidity.  Flowing with whatever occurs and being open and receptive to the new are childlike qualities.  Children are very present.  They don’t remember a lot about the past.  They are fully engaged with what is happening now.

In setting new intentions, I didn’t want to specify that I want this salary or that I want to work for this company or achieve this position.  I desired more ephemeral, intangible types of things: I want to love what I do.  I want to be around people who are witty.  I want to have a purpose beyond getting paid to do good work.  When these intangible desires manifest, I cannot then state that I’m unsatisfied with and don’t want the unanticipated structures.  I have to be open and receptive and accepting.  If I hold certain pictures of the ways in which these intangibles should manifest, then I’m back to wanting tangible specifics.

So I thought, “Maybe I’m not yet ready to experience my intangibles, my heartfelt desires, because I remain rigid, holding onto the old as I crave the new.”

I realize that I am not fully open to unexpected situations.  I must go beyond my comfort level when exposed to change.  I need to be open to difference.  I can’t say no to what I’ve not done before and assume that I can’t accomplish tasks that appear insurmountable.  I must flow with uncertainty and trust that, if I could see the bigger picture, I would know that this is for me.  This corresponds with the essence of my desires.

Even as I want change, I resist it.  I am aware of this unproductive pattern and gently practice letting go.

I continue to remind myself to flow.