One day, I became so angry that I did not know what to do.  So I sat in meditation and asked for a solution to the situation that had caused the anger.  As I became still and continued to ask for guidance, my request became more refined.  I asked for clarity so that I could become a channel for healing. The answer did not come during this meditation. Throughout that day, I thought: “Clarity – Healing” to remind me of the answer that I sought.

A couple of days later, I watched a medical intuitive who was a guest on Oprah.  She was, in essence, a psychic, but didn’t like that label.  She explained that words carry energy and she wanted to be very careful of how she used them. The intuitive revealed what I’ve known for years, but have had much difficulty implementing in my life.  Do not judge.  Have no expectations.  Give up the idea that you need to know why things happen as they do. Forgive.

Forgiveness is a selfish act because it helps you more than the other person.  Let go and be aware that every thought and emotion has power that can be used for or against you. Do whatever you need to do to transcend your pain so that you can stop creating more of the same.

In yoga, my teacher spoke about being appreciative and not just thinking it, but feeling it. Focusing on feeling appreciation, I felt a flash of light come upon me like in the movies where the sun or ray of light hits the hidden spot and the door to the temple opens.  It was like I got It!  I remembered who I am!  It was such an overwhelming moment.  But it quickly passed.

My teacher also spoke of letting go and forgiveness.  He said to stop holding on to trauma, sorrow, and things that go wrong.  I began to think of all of the things onto which I was holding – my anger, my frustrations, my feelings of injustice and unfairness.  As I began to focus on letting go, I realized the harm that holding on was causing me.  My being overweight was an effect.  My stress, emotions, and lack of forgiveness were manifesting as disease in my body.

I thought of my sister and the hold her sickness and death had on me.  I felt helpless and guilty for not being able to help her or my dad, who passed in 1991.  I felt powerless because I couldn’t insure everyone’s health and well being.  I realized that I was angry at myself for not being in a position in which I could provide for myself and everyone I loved. Continuing to let go, I realized that everyone makes choices and experiences the consequences of these choices.  I have no power over that.  All that I can do is what I can, not what I expect or wish that I could do.  I don’t have control over anything outside of myself.  I don’t always have control even over my own life.

My yoga teacher said to smile, not from a joy that comes from the mind or any sense of happening.  Smile while reflecting on the beingness of joy – joy that is not created or the cause of anything. When you become aware of that infinite and universal joy, that reflective smile appears as you, on you, and in you.

Sometimes I become sad because it is taking me so long to put these principles into behavior.  I hear, I understand, but then I go right back to the way that I was.  Sometimes I feel that my quest for awareness and enlightenment (remembering my Essential Self) is all that I want to do.  At times, this desire is so primary in my life that nothing else has importance.  But then I think about how I need money and I become anxious.  Yoga classes cost money. Therapy costs money.  Everything costs money.  My primary thought becomes “I must make money!”

I go back and forth. When I am BEING appreciative, focusing on Spirit, letting go, BEING forgiving, I receive incredible insights.  Then I go forth into the world and focus on survival and my thoughts produce more situations that force me to be in survival.  When will I stop this cycle?

All I can do is to keep trying to stay on the path and get back up when I stumble.