One of the lessons in Charles Fillmore’s book “Keep a True Lent” states: “I . . . use a portion of my zeal in establishing God’s kingdom within me.  I do not put all my enthusiasm into helping others; my own unfoldment is of great importance to me.  I love to aid my brother, but I do not allow that idea to rob me of the power to demonstrate Truth for myself.”

According to my 2004 journal, I used to be The Helper.  Even while taking care of my  mother who had Alzheimer’s, I was The Fixer at work, a mentor to young cousins, a mediator for warring couples, the person to whom others brought their vents, dramas, and traumas.  I ran errands for a friend whose husband had a massive heart attack.  My own life was full of stress and unhappiness.

A friend asked, “Why do you get so involved in other people’s lives?”  Especially at work, she thought I consistently tried to solve deficiencies that were not my responsibility.  Why didn’t I put my energies towards resolving my own issues and becoming what I want to be instead of focusing on external conditions?

I began to look at family and societal patterns.  Most of the women I knew growing up were self-sacrificial.  My role models helped others to the point of sacrifice.  It’s what a woman did.  It was the right thing to do.  I didn’t see women treating themselves to personal joys.  The female was expected to care for someone other than herself.  Happiness was dependent upon bringing joy to husbands, children, other family members, and the church. The focus was always on the external.  It was selfish to do for self.  Joy and satisfaction came from doing for others.  This was an obligation.  My childhood prayer was “God loves the cheerful giver.”

I think this is why I put so much effort into OPB (Other People’s Business) and not my own personal goals.  I thought of the counsel of Matthew 7:5 to “take the moat out of your own eye” before you try to take a speck out of the eye of another.  I always thought this meant to address your own faults before you criticize another.  Perhaps it also means to make sure that you are healthy before you try to heal someone else.  Concentrate on being a light yourself.  When people can be healed by your example and aura, you won’t have to expend so much effort to make them well.  By giving to yourself, you are able to give to others.  Healthy giving does not cause aggravation and stress.

I realized that I allowed others to drain me.  I consistently operated from a position of minus, of being energetically depleted.  When I obtained emotional fuel, I expended it “driving around” for everyone else.  Then, when I needed to go somewhere, I had an empty tank.  I decided that I could not continue to give from a foundation of deficit.

Oprah said, “when you learn your lesson, the problem or situation immediately goes away.”  I kept trying to figure out, “what am I supposed to learn?”  According to my journal, one morning, on April 27, 2004, during meditation, I was inspired to read an entry from my 1995 journal.  On April 27, 1995, I received five psychic readings.  All five revealed that I had a problem with “havingness.”  I felt that I must give to others before I can have.  My desires for myself always included having enough to take care of others and to provide security for my family.  One reader suggested that my current dire financial situation was a way for me to legitimately say that I no longer want to be fiscally responsible for anyone.

The readers said that I was expressing myself as the self-sacrificing martyr, the eternal giver, the victim.  I said, “that’s how I describe my mother.”  They said, “of course.  Your mother is your mirror.”  This was very shocking to me.  I didn’t identify those qualities in me.

The scary thing was that twenty years later, in 2014, I was again going through the same experiences.  This time, not even the twinkle of a job was in the forecast.  Therefore, I was forced to resolve those old lessons.  I turned again to my 2004 journal, in which I wrote:

I began to feel pain around complaining friends and headaches from unsuccessful job searches.  It was if something inside of me was saying “not that way.  Turn away.”  Something inside of me said that I could change my life instantaneously.  I could have abundance right now.  I don’t need to do anything.  Just be certain about my havingness.  Have faith.  Know that the appearances of lack and limitation are not my reality.  Know that I can have what I want right now.  Expect a miracle.  Make conscious efforts to stay away from whatever and whoever doesn’t support my right and ability to have.  Bolster myself.  Stay focused.  Keep my mind and my eyes on the prize.

This year, I am determined that I am going to graduate from that school.  I’ve been there long enough.