During my meditation, I realized that I had been creating from desperation. Once I lost my job, I developed an intense focus on regaining and, then, maintaining employment. There was no thought as to what I wanted to do or what would be compatible with my intentions or desires for my life. I concentrated only on bringing in money by any means necessary.
The jobs that I created and kept out of desperation were never good for me. I worked in stress-filled environments from which I created more stress. I didn’t realize that I was creating the seeds of my future. Sickness blooms from a deficient seed. Trying to fix leaves and blossoms without addressing the roots of the tree is unproductive.
From what other negativity have I been creating? Pessimism? Lack of passion? Belief in lack and limitation? Hopelessness? After meditation, I decided to tend to my core of joy and contentment that is eternally in the moment. Thinking about future negative possibilities causes me to live in fear and anxiety. Thoughts held in mind produce in kind.
I look back on my life and all that I had and it was never enough. When stressful situations occurred, I let my happy get away. Today I acknowledge that others did not and do not take away my joy. I have a choice. I have the power. I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through my challenges. But, if I can’t be joyful at all times, at least I can work on being appreciative, grateful, kind, and positive.
Knowing me is key. When I know myself, I can better perceive the actions of others and respond instead of react. I believe that people give, receive, and exchange energy, often in negative ways. We may subconsciously draw anger upon ourselves to reflect feelings of inadequacy. Our lives are mirrors. We exchange energy based upon our levels of consciousness. If I am aware of the love within me, I can interact with the love in another. However, if my consciousness is at a level of pain, I will give and draw energy to me from this base.
We all feel and react to the energies of others. We see this in animals, but not so readily in ourselves. When I am not aware of my True Self – the loving, confident, fulfilled me – I release energy in negative ways that usually have a basis in my perceptions of external persons, situations, or circumstances. Because we don’t know the backstory, we behave according to our personal conditioning or states of mind: I am needy. I am anxious. I am angry and resentful. I want to cling desperately to what I fear I will lose (control, power, self-esteem, income).
The creation of an environment reflective of my unproductive attributes becomes cyclical. I react to negativity, which creates a similar reaction in someone else, and so on. I and others on this wheel continue to go around and around in perpetual aggravation, unless we become aware of our contributive roles and change. Until I become sufficiently grounded in the eternality of my joy, I reflect my instability, which creates more stress and plants defective seeds that generate my future.
What concrete steps can I take to change? My habitual behavior is to communicate my pain, my feeling of being disrespected: “I don’t appreciate your speaking to me like that. I am not a child. You need to calm down.” I would like to be able to take a deep breath, recognize the love within me (instead of reacting to triggers of past unfairness and inappropriate conduct), take a few seconds in silence to be aware of the essence of love in the other, and respond from that loving connectedness.
Perhaps I can then state: “I would like to receive positive energy from you. Is there another way that we can communicate? My perception is that you are speaking harshly, perhaps from a place of anger, stress, or frustration. Are you able to speak differently? I would like to help you [or agree with you or accommodate you]; but, right now, I don’t want to feel your pain, even if you are expressing it unintentionally. Do you mind if we continue this conversation later?”
My best intention would be to repeat the process (breathe, be silent, be aware of love’s connectedness and my possible triggers, make positive statements, request to continue interaction later) until the situation becomes less agitated or I am able to gracefully remove myself.
In the meantime, between life’s learning lessons, I am determined to affirm my innate joy. I will continue to intentionally plant seeds of happiness, gratitude, love, peace, and compassion so that the garden of my life will reflect more flowers than weeds.