Dot One

When I moved to the East Coast as a young adult, I found my element.  New York and Washington, D.C. matched an energy that could not be totally expressed in my hometown.  Everything that I pursued manifested.  I was assertive and confident.  I felt powerful.  Whatever I decided to do became easily within my reach.  I flowed.

Dot Two

Then I made the decision to return home.  Six months after I began my new job, I knew it wasn’t for me.  But I stayed.  I was devastated to realize that I didn’t want what I had put so much time, effort, and expense in obtaining.  Now what?  I felt lost.  I didn’t know what to do.  During my fourth and last year at my firm, I spent almost a month in Hawaii.  There, in peace and free to think, I made the decision to be a writer.

Dot Three

I mostly wandered for the next year.  Tried to find myself.  Meditated.  Explored.  I travelled.  I tried to start my own legal practice.  I kept getting thoughts that this was to be a period of rest and rejuvenation and that I wasn’t to worry about future income.

At one point, I asked God, “What is my destiny?”  I went over my past and asked why I had gone to law school and accepted employment at a corporate firm.  It hadn’t seemed to accomplish much.  The answer I received was that law school and the firm enabled me to return to California.  I wouldn’t have come any other way because I wanted to retain my income.  California was where I needed to be in order to be with my father during his last year of life, to resolve my differences with my family, and to move beyond where I was on a spiritual level.

I then asked, “Why did I start my estate planning business?  The answer was that I needed to get away from the firm.  I needed a reason to leave.  In addition, it was practical, as I would need to plan for the distribution of my own estate and my mother’s when she passed.

Reading this many years later made me realize that most of what appears externally is not the essence, the reality, the why of what is occurring.  If we could see the larger picture, we wouldn’t worry and become fearful and despondent.  We would know that all is for our good and everything will work out ok.

Dot Four

During my exploratory year, I went to a writing seminar that turned out to be intensely spiritual.  My writings during that week and a subsequent week a few months later were amazing.   That experience motivated me to go to theology school.  I didn’t know anything about theology schools and thought “interdenominational” meant that all religions and spiritual teachings would be covered.  I learned that the dominant curriculum was Christianity and that “interdenominational” in this sense meant different Christian denominations: United Church of Christ, Dominican, Jesuit, Baptist, Lutheran and Universalist.

Again, I found myself in a place that did not meet my expectations.  Again, it seemed as though I had chosen unwisely.  I didn’t seem to fit in.  Not working, I further increased my student loan debt.  In hindsight, I coulda woulda shoulda chosen to otherwise spend my three years of time and money on becoming a yoga teacher or going to live in another country to become bilingual.

Yet, once again, I chose the practical instead of my heart.  I thought that it would authenticate my inspirational writing if I had a Masters degree from a prestigious university.  So I chose to attend a bureaucratic and doctrinal institution with rigid boundaries.

Fortunately, I was able to take electives in Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, and Spirituality.  I began a Buddhist practice that was consistent for five years until I incorporated other traditions into my personalized path.  My academic, as opposed to doctrinal, track actually taught me a great deal about the historical development (based upon fact and archeology) of Christianity.  The social, political, and economics of religions taught by very progressive professors informs my thought processes to this day.

I now see this period as a turning point in my life.  These were very magical years.  I wrote prolifically.  Although I went through hard times emotionally and financially, I evolved spiritually.  My writings express numerous awarenesses, insights, and lessons.

Dot Five

Unfortunately, after graduation, I got right back into making money.  My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease and I spent the next 14 years working and taking care of her.  That era grew me in another way.  But my four years of growing, meditating, exploring, and writing just disappeared or, rather, got buried beneath the piles of my life.  I didn’t change myself in accordance with my new understanding.  I continued to expect the external to transform to accommodate my needs and desires.  I continued to do the same things expecting to get different results.