It would have been financially great if I had stayed at one job for 30 years.  Those who retire after 30 years can do a lot because they have time and financial security.  I chose to have incredible experiences throughout my younger years.  I traveled annually to many countries.  I followed what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  I explored different ways of being in a variety of different environments.

At the time, I didn’t consider future stability.  I anticipated that the diversity of my experiences would insure my marketability.  My life was definitely enriched.  I was open and free, able to meet people and go to places on a whim.  I lived in hostels, jumped off of cliffs, went paragliding, explored nude beaches, swam in foreign bodies of water, and danced all night in clubs that might not today allow me entry.  I’m glad that I did those things while I was young and willing.

It’s a trade-off.  Some people have the money, wherewithal, and opportunity to explore and live an adventurous life and retain financial security.  Others accept that this is the life that we chose.  The experience of living life to its fullest was worth the cost.  I don’t know.  I can’t say one way is right or wrong.  It is what it is.

I have led a very interesting life.  It has taught me to be adaptive, which is helping me during this period of uncertainty.  I still complain and have feelings of frustration, fear, and worry.  However, I consider this period as another change, another adjustment.  I know that I will get through it.  I tell myself, “Bear with it.  Be open.  Be receptive.  Flow.  Don’t be judgmental.  Don’t be rigid.  Don’t have fixed expectations.”  It’s an interesting time.

When I was young, I used to watch this cartoon.  A man would walk on a plank and come to its end.  Right when he stepped off, another plank would rise to meet him and he would continue walking.  This happened repeatedly.  That was the only thing that happened in the cartoon.  Being a child, I liked repetition.  I would sit there and watch this man walk off this plank and on to another one over and over again.

The man never stopped smiling.  He never seemed to worry about whether another plank was going to come up to meet him.  He just kept walking.  That cartoon reminds me of my life.  Sometimes I feel like I walk off endless planks.  As with the man, something always comes up to meet me, to keep me walking.

The difference between me and the cartoon man is that I look down and see that I’m coming to the end of my plank.  Even though over and over and over again, another plank has risen to allow me to continue walking, I stress and worry and agonize about how I am going to make it.  How am I going to survive to the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year?  I worry and worry about whether another plank is going to come up to greet me, to allow me to continue walking. Even though this has happened to me repeatedly, I continue to stress.

Perhaps it keeps happening to condition me to trust and to have faith.

It could also be that this is just how life is.  I need to become accepting of the ups and downs of life, its ebbs and flows, and stop stressing.  I need to keep walking happily through life.  Even if I cannot bring myself to always walk with joy, I can certainly smile knowing that I will be able to handle whatever happens one way or another.

The cartoon didn’t indicate whether or not the man had any plans or direction.  He simply walked on and off planks with a smile on his face.  He was always provided for, always taken care of.  There was always another plank.

The cartoon was silent, but his mouth did not move.  Clearly, he wasn’t saying, “I want this type of plank.  These planks look alike.  I want one that has decoration.  I don’t want to continue to walk straight.  I’d like to walk sideways sometimes.”  It didn’t seem as though he cared.  The only thing that he cared about was that he continued to walk forward.

I must say that I have managed to keep moving.  At times, I’ve moved backwards financially.  I have not moved backwards in terms of life experience and emotional and spiritual growth.  I’ve advanced as a person.  For the most part, I have a wonderful life.  I like myself for sure.  Definitely, I like myself.

I have resistance to one aspect of my life – my finances – the false appearance of lack when, truly, I have never been without.  Someone and something has always come through for me.  Perhaps the reason for its apparent insecurity is that it is the one thing that I don’t yet accept with a smile on my face.