I have had an intense urge to deep clean my house. I have been cleaning window sills; floor baseboards; walls; sweeping ceilings; dusting books, photo albums, dolls and figurines; orange oiling everything wood. The amount of dust and grime revealed almost reduced me to tears. Why did I wait so long?
My office will be the culmination of my efforts. Here, I will have to get rid of years of files, including those of my mother who passed four years ago. While preparing her final taxes, I had to take deep breaths and step away several times before I finished. Over the years, bit by bit, I have gotten rid of her clothes and other personal effects. Now, I am ready to at least move to the garage for later shredding documents that evidence how she lived and handled her life. This is a very daunting task; but, space has to be made to accommodate the new. I have to move on. I am ready to move on.
I feel a shift. Like a cloud has lifted. Energy has been cleared. A new door has opened.
Recently, my dreams have emphasized the color brown. In one, a brown person was dressed in brown clothes and a brown hat. My dream book stated that brown represents the earth, spiritual death, and degradation. Initially I thought, “That’s not good.” After a few days of thought and meditation, I had a different reaction.
Earth represents the material. Spiritual beings in the body must manifest the material to survive and to nurture and please ourselves. A human body must have material sustenance and live in physical abodes. Perhaps the meaning of my dreaming the color brown is that the manifestation of my desires and intentions is imminent. I am about to move beyond barely surviving to abundantly thriving.
Perhaps my spiritual death reflects an evolution from caterpillar to butterfly. I am breaking through my casing and radically transforming into something greater. The old me is dying, dissolving, to give birth to the new.
In a past journal entry, I noted that, during meditation, I received an awareness that the removal of cherished circumstances from my life is to enable me to see the One Light. While I was surrounded by superficial light, I refused to see the One Light. I wrote: “it is only in darkness that you become more aware of light.”
Because I’ve grown through uncomfortable situations in my life, I see that I intellectually knew of the Light’s existence, but did not truly experientially understand It. I basked in the light of material beings, possessions, and experiences. These, of course, are expressions of the Light; however, I so enjoyed the expressions that I didn’t often think of the Source during the happy times. We don’t often think of air or water until we don’t have any. Only then do we become aware of the need to breathe or quench our thirst.
When I was making a high income, I was not happy. I was stressed out of my mind, always complaining, always wanting more, dissatisfied, wanting others to change. I was constantly focused on the external. My primary thoughts concerned ways in which could I advance on my job, become more marketable, and gain more skills in order to command a higher salary.
Four years ago, I wrote that the withdrawal of all that I held dear would be like a personal tsunami. The water would withdraw, only to leave everything bare, at which point I could see clearly. Once I could see clearly, everything would come rushing back – not in a destructive way, but with overflowing abundance. This time, when surrounded by light, I would be aware of the Reality of its Source.
My period of so-called lack has taught me a great deal. I am beginning to see that, if I can’t be happy where I am, I’m not going to be happy anywhere. I’m going to take my unhappy self wherever I go. Only the externals will change. I have had well-paying jobs, nice homes in nice neighborhoods, money, and health. Still, I found something about which to complain.
Yes, I experienced unfairness. I was treated wrongly. I experienced pain. People hurt me. Nevertheless, my reactions to the storms in my life could have been more productive.
All that I suffered through motivated me to change. If I hadn’t experienced tension, I would still be at jobs and in relationships that were not for my highest good. I wouldn’t have grown to where I am today. I am where I am supposed to be. I went through what I was supposed to experience.
The Universe is forcing me to find inner fulfillment and contentment in spite of life’s challenges. I am developing a state of being that cannot be shaken, cannot be distracted, cannot be disturbed, and cannot be affected. I am giving birth to a new me.