I identified very strongly with the Grey’s Anatomy character Christina Yang.  She always chose herself, except within the first three seasons when she chose Dr. Burke.  But that was because she admired him.  Although a junior resident, he gave her special opportunities to learn advanced heart surgery skills.  He provided a path to her continued expansion.  More importantly, Burke was like Christina.  He had a passion for infinite growth.  He had confidence.  He took risks.  He was exceedingly skilled and knowledgeable.  Christina couldn’t help but love him.  He was a male her.

The difference between me and Christina is that I didn’t identify within me something about which I was so passionate that I would give up everything.  My passions were externally focused.  I sacrificed all for my jobs, my family, and my mom.

Because my passions were for other than me, my efforts frequently ended in disappointment.  I facilitated the needs and desires of others.  Yes, I enjoyed what I did and gave; but, my accomplishments ultimately benefited them more than me, which was predictable because I supported their dreams and goals.

Grey’s Anatomy was the first television series in which a key character left and I wasn’t mad at the producers and writers.  The season of Christina’s departure explored all of the possible life-changing scenarios that Christina could have chosen.  The one that I wanted for her was to stay with Owen and have babies.  In her vision of this choice, she was pregnant with their second child.  Owen was immensely happy while she regretted giving up the possibility of her greatness as a world-renowned surgeon.

Every possible ending that fans would have wished for Christina involved her compromising her passion and dreams for herself.  In each, she was happy for and pleasing to others, but unfulfilled and unaccomplished in the ultimate manifestation of her gift.

In the season finale, Christina was offered and chose a position that allowed her to be unlimited in her potential.  Importantly, it also showed how much she knowingly gave up – proximity to the man she loved, her best friends, and the opportunity to be reasonably successful in an environment surrounded by supportive co-workers.  She could have settled and been beyond ok by most standards.  Instead, she chose to reach for the stars and follow her unflinching passion.

Christina chose the means and opportunity for limitless mobility.  She chose the power to determine and actualize her destiny.  That is my desire for myself.

The entire season of episodes made me reflect upon my life and choices that I made and make.  I chose a practical career over my passion to travel, to learn more about the world, to learn other languages, and to live overseas.  I constantly focus on survival: the need to generate income, the potential loss of my home, all of my bills and financial obligations, my health care costs, my lack of enough security for my senior years.

But what about now?  Beyond and despite all of my worrying, what am I doing now to live my life?  Today, am I living the life that I want?  Even when my financial circumstances were better, I was constantly chasing more dollars, a neverending cycle.

Is it possible to return to the mindset of my youth, when I had nothing, but was willing to pursue anything?

I can look back and say, “I wish I had done ‘this.’  My life would have been better if I had done ‘that.’”  But, it just would have been different.  There would have been other options available to me.  Most likely, I would still be second-guessing choices that I made.

All we have at any given time is the present.  I can think about and plan for a future.  All that I can truly control is what I do in this very moment.

I remember spending my money on my mom, paying for her care from my salary and, after leaving my job, withdrawing my savings and my retirement.  At the time, I recalled reading the advice of financial guru Suze Orman: “Never ever withdraw your retirement or your savings to help out your parents or your kids.”

At that present, now past, time, I did what I needed to do to take care of my mom.  I stopped reading Suze Orman because her advice didn’t apply to me.  Now that I am at a place where I have no safety net, I look back at that time, and I do see the wisdom of what Suze Orman advised.  However, that wisdom wasn’t acceptable to me because I wasn’t going to leave my mom in substandard care.  And I do not regret my decision, no matter how hard my life appears to be in the present moment.

Things aren’t cut and dry.  They are not black or white, this way or that.  There isn’t a right way or wrong way.  There is what is going on today and what you feel is best to do in this moment.  Make sure that your decisions give you a sense of joy and that you feel complete.

I still hope that, one day, I will feel, like Christina, a sense of immense fulfillment from the identification and actualizing of my own dreams.