Deep cleaning my house has been very slow.  It’s taken months.  I’m finally getting to the point where I’m vacuuming my very filthy carpet.  As I vacuum, I think about things.  It’s been a trying time.  There are so many things that I need to do that I can’t do: maintenance my car.  I have deep cracks in my ceilings.  In my bedroom, the ceiling is bowed.  According to the Internet, this signifies that I immediately need to call a structural engineer.  But I can’t afford it.  I’m hoping that the issue is not the foundation.  I’m thankful to get through each day without my ceilings falling in.

I think, “why why why is my life like this?”

The thought came to me that I was the one who wanted to change my life, to turn my life around.  If you want to learn a sport, to become healthier, or to become proficient in anything, there are certain things that you have to give up.  You have to give up refined sugar, sitting in front of the television all day, drinking and hanging out every night, especially when you’re “of a certain age.”  Even though, to me, giving up income is not the same as giving up ice cream or cookies or TV, it still is, in a sense, a giving up of something.

The intent that I expressed to change my life has somehow overridden my desire to have instant money.  Left to my own devices, I would continue to do the things that have caused me to gain weight, to sit all of the time, to be unhealthy, to be unhappy and stressed out of my mind.  The Universe, responding to my intent, stopped and blocked me and said “no no.  You’re not going to do this.  You’re going to do THIS.”

My solution would be to win a million dollars.  This would solve all of my problems.  I don’t know why I can’t win the lottery when others have.  Apparently, that’s not in line with my intent.  Perhaps that outcome would change my life, but would not change me, which is my ultimate intent.

The path that I used to take seems to be closed to me right now.  Perhaps in the long run, looking back, I will see that it was a good thing that it was closed because otherwise I would continue to do the same thing.  It was easier to get and go to a miserable job every day to obtain money.  That’s what I’ve done for the last 25 years.  It’s been a good way to pay my bills.  If I could do the same thing that I had been doing, which is to be able to get a job quickly, then I would be working right now.

The thought came through that this is just a transitional phase.  It’s a long, very challenging transitional phase.  My intent has been to change myself, to do something worthwhile with my life, and to get to the point where I can have financial abundance AND do yoga, ride my bike, swim, write, and do all of the things that I’ve said for years that I want to do but wasn’t able to do while working.

As I rush around putting out financial fires, I think of Daniel in the lion’s den and the three Hebrew boys who were brought out of the fire.  God didn’t promise that we wouldn’t get thrown into pits.  The assurance was that we would be brought out unharmed on time.  My challenge is to remember that it’s not according to the time or way of my limited perception.  Each moment, however interpreted, is capable of infinite potential.  As my awareness expands, my concept of lack shifts.

It is important to chart my path because, sometimes, I can’t remember in detail how I got to a particular place.  For me, it is helpful to document my years of struggle and disappointment and depression and hard times and the sometimes horribleness of my journey.  Looking back, I affirm my strength, perseverance, and endurance.  Change for me has not been instantaneous.  Yet, I continue to believe that, one day, I’ll look back on these years and say, “I’m glad I got through them.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here.  I would still be doing the same things.  I would still be the same person.”

Actually, for the most part, I can say that now.  In general, I love my life.  I swim, bicycle, walk, meditate, cook and eat healthfully.  I get enough sleep.  I have time to do things that contribute to my well-being.  If I stay in the moment, I am ok.  But when I think of my walls crumbling around me, I panic and sink into despair.

My spirit knows that a change is here, waiting to manifest.  That’s why I have had the strong urge to deep clean my house.  It is symbolic of what is occurring within me.  I am preparing for the birth of something spectacular.