I had a dream that I lost my bicycle.  I was devastated.  When I woke up, I thought, “Am I going to lose my bike in real life?”  One side of my mind responded, “This is attachment.  You still have things to learn.  The dream is making you aware of a weak spot.”  My other side argued, “Why shouldn’t I want things?  That bike enables me to stay healthy, to exercise my body.  I’m so tired of dealing with loss.  It seems as though I’ve been dealing with loss my whole life.  What am I supposed to learn?  I’m tired of painful lessons.  I need clear guidance.  What am I supposed to do?  Why is this happening?  What is the point, the meaning?”

A few days earlier, I had a job interview.  I prepared well, dressed to impress, and left an hour and a half early.  Traffic was decent.  I arrived in the area with time to spare.  For some reason, I kept missing the correct exit and driving around in circles.  I called and asked for directions.  Drove with the receptionist on the phone and STILL could not get on the right road.  Arrived at the interview stressed, late, and had to run to the bathroom before I could speak properly to the HR person who greeted me.  Of course, I made a horrible impression and did not get the job.

After the bike dream, I asked additional questions. “Why didn’t I see the exit sign clearly?  Is something happening to me or do I simply have too much on my mind?  I’m not focused.  I’m thinking too much.  I don’t know.  I feel like a failure.  I’m incompetent.”  I know I’m supposed to wake up with the joyful expectation of a child, but I’m still upset about arriving late to the interview.  I decide to get up and meditate, even though clearly I’m not hearing God or my spirit guides.

After meditation, I played my praise music.  “The Great I Am” by Donnie McClurkin is an old school fast piano playing song.  I started jumping and dancing like one of the happy ladies in church.  I needed someone to come fan me.  Next came a really old before my time song, sung by a group of old men, Lee Williams & The Spiritual QC’s.  “So Good To Me” talked about being thankful for getting through the night ok, being able to stand on two good legs and walk, opening your eyes and being able to see, the little things that we take for granted.

I became overwhelmed with gratitude and started crying.  I cried until my emotion ran its course.  I may get down; but, somehow, I am able to return to my focus, faith, and trust in Spirit.  I know that something wonderful is on its way to me.  It’s just a matter of time.

My praise music has really been keeping my spirits up.  Sometimes, what I read, hear, or watch touches me deeply.  Perhaps it brings forth a memory.  I feel a faint, but intense connection, the loss of which is so great that I become distraught.  At such moments, all of the things that have gone wrong in my life seem inconsequential.  I see the bigger picture.

At times, I feel that I am from a different world, a different dimension, reaching out to those in the beyond, sending a signal for help, trying to reestablish contact.  I sense that I have been here for centuries; therefore, what I am going through now means little.  Nevertheless, in this time and place, I am going through “it” and I don’t want to lose my house.  I don’t want to be homeless.  Right now, I can’t see a way out.  I keep trying to find a slot in which I fit.

I read the book of Ecclesiastes before I go to sleep.  It is pretty amazing.  It shows that the human condition has changed little throughout the millennia.  It speaks of how we all come to the same end – rich, poor, wicked, righteous.  The righteous sometimes suffer while the wicked live long.  Trouble comes to all, whatever and however they live their lives.  Devastation can take the wise and fools together and you never know when or how it will occur.  Trying to figure it all out is vanity.

The best we can do is try to live according to our highest values, to our greatest potential, with compassion, joy, peace, love, and understanding.