“Here I Am” by Marvin Sapp

The above link is to the song “Here I Am” by Marvin Sapp.  It is on my GospelLinks page. However, I have placed it within this PathPost because I feel so strongly that it applies to me right now. The potent lyrics are:

Here I am.  I’m still standing.

Here I am, after all I’ve been through.

I’ve survived every toil and every snare. I’m alive.

There were times when I almost gave up and I’ve cried and said, “God, it’s too much.”

Yet, I’m standing here today with one thing to say, “God, I thank you. I thank you!”

All of the pain that I had to go through, it gave power and a testimony.

Now, I’m standing here today with one thing to say, “God, I THANK YOU. I THANK YOU!”

In February 2014, my consultant contract did not get renewed.  My unemployment benefits ran out in October 2014.  Except for a two week project that ended this past Friday, I have had no income. Zero! Nada! Yet, today, I stand – still very much overfed; in my own house for which I have made no mortgage payments in over a year; still driving a car that continues to get me to and from wherever I want and need to go, although it needs major maintenance and I pray for safe passage each day.  My computer works and I have phone and Internet access. I may have let it go for five or six months, but I found a way to get my hair braided (and to buy hair!☺).  After recovering from health issues, I have resumed bicycling, swimming, and yoga, which require expenditures.  On and on.  I have more than survived and I am SO VERY THANKFUL!

Yes, my worst fears came to pass: I couldn’t pay my bills.  My credit is shot.  My phone and Internet services were discontinued.  My family stepped in before my utilities were shut off.  I have submitted at least five loan assumption and modification packets to at least four entities because I KNOW AND DECLARE that I am not losing my home to foreclosure. I couldn’t afford gas; therefore, I walked wherever I needed to go or stayed home.  There were so many things that I couldn’t do or buy because I had no money, things that I used to take for granted.

How did I make it through a year with no income?  Friends, family, associates and acquaintances, people I hadn’t heard from in years gave me expected and unexpected financial support: direct cash, online deposits into my checking account, groceries, a credit card to buy toiletries, household supplies, and printer cartridges.  People took me out to eat, after which I brought home leftovers.  I am regularly treated to movies and other social activities.

Typing this, I become emotional.  Listening to Marvin Sapp’s “Here I Am” makes me cry with amazement and gratitude.  Here I am.  I am standing after all I’ve been through.

But there’s more to this story.

There was so much that I wanted to put in this post, I didn’t know where to start. So I looked through my journal entries from October 2014 to the present to see for myself: how did I make it through?  What I found were numerous and continuous positive and inspirational thoughts.  Yes, I had my pity pot days and periods of fear and anxiety.  Each month, I wondered how I would get through it.  Yet, I made it through ONE YEAR!!!  And for most of that year, I kept my mind on Spirit and did my very best to match my intentions with appropriate behavior.  I was honest with myself when I fell down.  I continue to learn from my mistakes.

In the coming weeks, I am going to post my journal entries from the past year.  Reading them inspired me.  I hope that you will find them uplifting as well.  My time off from focusing on making that dollar enabled me to learn more about myself.  I’m learning to say no and to set boundaries.  There were many years during which I gave away much of myself.  This time off from the income-producing treadmill allowed me to find lost parts of me and to use what was found to move forward into something new – the next phase of MY life, not the me that supported the lives and goals of others.

I think a lot of the reasons many of us say “yes” is because we fear the consequences of saying “no,” even if the only judges are ourselves.  So much of what we believe we want and need is interpreted through the prism of external experiences. We ARE that which we seek!  Look within! Learn to BE!

I lost most of the material things that I believed sheltered and protected me.  Yet, I am still safe.  With nothing, I am still secure.  I endured the loss.  More importantly, that involuntary shedding has begun to reveal the jewel that is me.