When I broke my foot, I was devastated. I had my whole summer planned, my whole life really. I was going to parlay this year’s fitness into future years of triathlons, longer open water swims, etc. I had a 72 mile bike ride in two days for which I had vigorously trained. I was looking forward to open water swims at Santa Cruz, Lake Berryessa, Donner Lake, Tiburon, and other venues. My yoga practice was consistent and improving. In one unfortunate second, my plans came to an abrupt end! I sat on my pity pot for weeks.
Many believe that we are in an era during which we are being pushed to move towards greater consciousness. It could be that we’re just getting older and shit happens and our bodies start to break down. But, I choose to think that we are being forced through circumstances to look at our attachments. If we can get to a place of non-attachment, we become open to experiencing peace and contentment in the moment. Our joy and fulfillment are not dependent upon the external. Therefore, whether or not they are lost or found is ancillary, not primary, to the wholeness of our being.
In the movie, Beasts of the Southern Wild, tiny six-year-old Hushpuppy faced mammoths with unflinching courage and they bowed down before her with love in their eyes. I believe the mammoths represented Hushpuppy’s emotions that she could not otherwise express. Facing them, she faced her fear. She faced her sorrow, her lack, and the loss of her parents. When I face my lack and my loss and my anger, I acknowledge the lessons of courage, love, and self-sustenance that I am being pushed to develop. As I step forward into each moment of each day, I want to use and strengthen these new energetic muscles.
During my time off from physical activity, I deeply and intently looked at attachment. Perhaps more accurately, I reviewed my teachings on non-attachment. It is a subject I have studied intellectually for many years. Maybe now I’ve reached a point of evolution where I am learning it experientially. The forceful taking away of things that I believed crucial to my existence has made me examine my life – my attachments (because, without them, I still have my life). I’m still here, still blessed, on my way to my destiny.
When I had to stop all exercise, I discovered other things to do. Maybe I was in a rut. A nice, healthy rut, but chaos and uncertainty can be healthy as well. While we would not willingly choose injury, perhaps this route is imposed upon us because we fail to be aware of something.
For me, being immobile caused me to focus less on the externals of my life and to look more closely within. Could I be happy without running, swimming, bicycling, yoga, doing? Could I be fulfilled without a job, money, security, friends, family? Am I sufficient? Am I enough? Who am I? What am I without all of that? Am I strong enough to face my mammoths?
The answers to these questions are still evolving.